Retelling of Red vs Blue part 1 of 3
by the survier and the fighter
Summary: In blood Gulch Dan Rogers of Red team and Emma Vulcan of Blue team was pretty normal. Shot the other team call of a cockbite and steal their wallets but that all changes when Blue team gets a tank and a idiot. Rate T for the usually RvB stuff swearing and shit. Each season is one chapter and there will be PSAs. Peace.
1. Chapter 1

Retelling of Red vs Blue

It was a sunny and bright day in Blood Gulch and a Fire red trooper was standing watch at Red base while he listen to Grif and Simmons talking about the meaning of life and shit, Simmons really was asking about why are they fight the blues but Rogers couldn't get the cosmic 'fuck up' out of his head, after a minute just thought to himself why am I even joined up so he can get paid, but that can't be it right. He shook it a off and when back to guarding his post. A couple of minutes later Sarge called them down. "Hurry up ain't no ice cream social." Called a older man in standard red armor.

"Ice cream social?" Simmons said aloud. He how ever kept his mouth shut while Sarge began to speak. Even if Sarge just went and spoke hick, he'd just go along with it.

"Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?"

"Uh is because the war is over." At that moment the fire red soldier shook his head and snickered when the Sergeant began to belittle Grif.

"Thats right your the big hero and they're throwing a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Rogers is handing out pins and Simmons is in charge of confetti!" He stood there and barely listen to Sarge but when he told them about the new recruit his ears picked up. And the men began to speak amongst themselves.

"God I hate showing around rookies." The fire-red soldier said to himself. His accent wasn't anything people recognize right off the bat, he was born and raised in las vegas but people mistake for Utahn. He just laugh and make jokes about Utah and tell them about his seventh wife, that always riled people up.

"And Rogers. You'll be in charge in showing the new recruit around."said Sarge.

"Ha." Laughed Grif and gave them the finger and all Rogers could think is how he's the most unlucky soldier in the entire canyon. And he barely listen to Sarge just picking up on bits and pieces. But when he saw the truck he instantly forgot about the rookie.

"Gentlemen this is the M12 LRV1. I like to call it the warthog."

"She a beaut." Whistle Rodgers.

"You're right about that Rogers."

"Why warthog sir?" Simmons asked raising his hand.

"Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation,son."

"No why, Warthog? I mean is doesn't really look like a pig." said Grif.

"He does make a small point sir." said Rogers.

"Say that again." Sarge said angrily.

"Sorry sir." Rogers said looking down.

"No not you."

"I think it looks more like a puma." Roger stopped and thought for a second, how does does it look like a big cat or even a pig it just looks like a jeep. When Sarge called upon him to name a mythical creature he called for the first animal that came to his head.

"Werewolf."

"Serious you too." moaned Grif. Soon Sarge had his fill of make fun of Grif and they were soon all dismissed. After a few days things back to normal and Grif and Simmons were talking while Rogers stood around in the background sitting around for the blues to attack. But then he saw a guy in red armor come toward Grif and Simmons and he got up and slowly walked towards them. When got there he just heard the rookies name after Grif and Simmons finished talking to him he went up and spoke to the recruit.

"Hey rookie, names Dan but you can me Rogers." Rogers said extending his hand. The rookie shook it and spoke.

"Franklin Donut sir, but my friends call me Frankie."

"Alright Donut I'm supposed to show you around and I will. Here's the base and there's the motor pool. You can figure out the rest." Soon Roger left and went towards Grif. "Thank god Sarge isn't here or I'd have to give him the full tour."

"I know what you mean." said Grif. "Sarge expect me to do all the work." The two laughed.

Meanwhile at Blue base a young women in Icy blue armor was laying down at the top of blue base with her long black hair all about. Just then a large ship came down and dropped off a tank and its open its bay door. When she got there the tank was set up and the new recruit was there. "Hey there, name's Emma Vulcan and welcome to Blood Gulch." she said in a happy voice. Her voice sounded like a Canadian but also had some American sounding tone, she was raised up in Idaho near the border.

"Names Michael J. Caboose." Soon the rest of the Blue team met the Recruit exchange names but they were hypnotised by the tank and Caboose started to tell a story but she halved listened.

"The tank looks awesome." said Tucker.

"I know right."

Back at red base Rogers wander off but was still in hearing distance. He over heard Grif and Simmons put Donut up for a tasked and tried not laugh when he heard what he was supposed to do. "How long do you think till he figures out here is no store." laughed Simmons.

"At least a week."

"Care to make a bet." Rogers said pulling a twenty out his wallet. "Twenty bucks says he does come back till a day or less."

"I'll take some of that action." laughed Grif.

Meanwhile at blue base. Vulcan rolled her eyes when Tucker the local 'womanizer' started to say he could pick up chicks with the tank. She generally ignores the guys but when Church stated that he had a girlfriend she couldn't have believed it. "So you going to marry her when you get back."

"Yeah Church, I expect the only girl that loved was your mother." Vulcan said jumping into the conversation.

"Hey and bitch." said Church.

"Good one." snorted Tucker. When Caboose stated he'd never get married she just ignored him but when he called her a cow she gave him a death glare under her helmet. When Church stated the general was coming she just played along.

"Yep the General is coming." She said not even breaking a sweat. After they showed him away Vulcan began to laugh.

"You know he's dumber than you Tucker." said Church.

"No he's dumber than you are."

"No he's dumber than both of you." Vulcan said with the laughter fading away. She then left for a short bit to check out the other side of the tank and overheard Church talking to someone else than Tucker. She then came around to see the guys talking about the tank again.

"You're telling me you're not armor certified?" yelled Church.

"I don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle. Don't you know how to drive that?" Tucker nervously.

"No, What about you Vulcan?" asked Tucker.

"No, I just know how to fuel a pelican."

"Holy crap who is running this army?" Total fear came to Vulcan's eyes as she realized she was in the company of total useless soldiers. It soon fade when she saw the new recruit but when he said the 'General' had arrived she had a slight nervous twitch in her eye. She then was told by Church to meet them us at the top of the base and as she ran towards the base she over heard Cabooses story and felt little at fault. She then saw it was sargent and her blood boil. The Sargent usually called her a hussy. She ran into her room and grabbed a rifle, she then ran outside to hear Church say to Tucker they'll take the teleporter. But was slightly annoyed when Tucker became a whiny little bitch. Church raised his gun and Tucker ran through when he didn't come out she held her arm and said ouch very softly to herself.

"Uh yeah. I decided I won't use the Teleporter."

"Agreed." Church then ran down and barked orders at Caboose and Vulcan sooned followed.

Back at Redbase. "I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots."

"You know I hate to agree with kissass over here but, he's right. It might just be your radio, damn thing is buggy." grumbled Rogers. He never liked the armor, thing was made cheap, he even saw a made in china on the thing.

"Hey." Simmons said giving Rogers a glare.

"I'm telling you it was four bam,bam,bam."

"Wait that was only three bams." Simmons said with a smirk under his helmet.

"Bam." Rogers soon walked off but when Grif spoke up he listened.

"Wait a second. We got two blues on the move out there."

"Where's they headed?" asked Simmons.

"Oh crap it's Donut, and he's got something. It looks lik-. Simmons get the warthog."

"You mean the puma?"

"No it's the werewolf." Joked Rogers.

"I hate you both." Grif said crossing his arms.

Back with the blues Church and Vulcan had just caught up with Donut, she had her rifle at the ready. "Why were you shooting at me? You could of hit me, dick." All Vulcan could think was how stupid this guy must be. But when she heard him say he wasn't the sergeant she felt like an idiot. Then suddenly Tucker appeared out of thin air and she almost shot him and almost shot him again once she realized it was just Tucker. When he stated the teleporter sent him back in time she felt like she should've shot him the second time.

Back at the red base Grif, Simmons and Rogers loaded up into the warthog. Rogers got out his trusty SMG and got into the passenger seat. "Yippee ki yay." yelled Rogers as they began to drive.

"Shut up." yelled Simmons.

"Kissass." Rogers bit back. He and Simmons were cool most of the time but when it came to it they fought.

"Both of you shut up." yelled Grif. "I will turn this car around."

Back with the blues Tucker was on and on how he was sent back in time and how the priviet was going to be the sergeant someday. She began to hear polka music and tightened her the handle and grip of her assault rifle. Then came a huge truck with a mounted machine gun turret. "SON OF A BITCH!" she yelled. She then began to run away screaming and dodging an hailstorm bullets. Rogers got out and fired a few shot at Church and spoke to Donut after he finished his conversation with Grif.

"You alright Donut?" asked Rogers.

"I'll be for asking."

"So ya Grif you owe me Twenty bucks." Rogers smirked, he knew he couldn't buy anything but he like being right.

"Nah ha we said if he gets back to base."

"And he was. So pay up." Grif then shelled out a crisp twenty and went back to his seat in the warthog. "Oh ya Grif I'm going to escort the rookie back to base."

"Alright fine." Rogers motion for Donut to follow him, Donut nodded and Rogers began to jog.

"So Donut can you tell me what happened?" Rogers asked once Donut caught up.

" it began on a warm day and-"

Back with the blues. "You know in hindsight we should have brought the tank."

"And yet we didn't." Vulcan said in a bitchy tone. She then proceeded to ignore the guys and look for a way out at first chance she got. After a few hours of non-stop bullets it finally stop and Vulcan was getting ready to make a break for it.

"I think we should take the Jeep." said Tucker.

"Tucker don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out." said Church. She looked over and saw they were gone.

"No, they're no look they left the jeep, they're gone."

"It might be risky but all right."

"I'll go too. You'll need a gunner." Church nodded and they soon took off and after good minute she could see the tank firing a shell hitting the jeep and Church and her running back towards the Tucker.

"Hey dude the jeep blew up." said Tucker. Vulcan face palmed at the idiot comment.

"No kidding." Church said angrily. While Church and Tucker were talking Vulcan checked around to see if any of the reds were near and smiled when she saw they had ran off. After her search was done she began to look at the tank and saw that maybe she isn't in the company of idiots she began to rejoice but soon the tank fired another shell hitting Church. She ran back and dived behind a rock before she became its next target. She got back up and heard Church speaking softly.

"Tucker,V there's something I need to tell you guys." Church said with the life fading away.

"What is it?"

"I just want you to know I always hated you both but Vulcan you're a bitch."

"I already know now hurry up and die you prick." Tucker and Vulcan said in unison

Back at red base "What happened?" asked Donut and Rogers in unison.

"Big-tank-shooting." Grif said trying to catch his breath. He heard Simmons belittle Grif and him biting back. But all Rogers could think of was a killer tank. And started to take off when he saw it and seemingly leaving behind his comrades the first glimpse he saw of the tank. "Where's he going?-Oh."

Back with the blues Vulcan was looting Churches corpse of the sniper rifle and sat at the ridge looking at Tucker, Caboose and the tank down below. She got up and kicked the body a couple of times. "Call me a bitch huh well you're dead. Bitch."

Back at red base Rogers was inside the base while the tank fired shots shaking the place and causing some falling cement pieces. "Great I going to die here today. Just great." Rogers then heard Sarge's voice on the radio and he's spirits started to pick up. He got up when Sarge said he got a solution to the tank problem. Rogers walked outside and from cover he could see a ship firing missiles at the tank and when it hit it he jumped up and took off his helmet to get a better look, revealing his dirty blonde hair he then calmed down and put his helmet back on and went to the top of the base.

Back with the blues. Vulcan rushed down to check on her teammates and was (sort of) relieved to see them all alive but she saw that Caboose was crushed at the death of his tank and saw him yelling her name. "Don't worry Caboose I bet she in computer heaven with ones and zeros sometimes twos." she said patting him on the back. She then walked back to base with Caboose and Tucker. She left Caboose to clean Tucker's armor while she took guard half expecting for the reds to attack. After a good hour and half she came down to find Tuckers armor cleaned and he was also talking about getting a freelancer. Just then a ghost of church appeared.

"Holy shit!" She yelled see Church again. He began to talk, and began to bitch when Caboose opened his mouth. All she did was roll her eyes and listen to Churches warning about Tex. His story gave her the chiles. And all she could think about was this super killer. It been several hours since Church came back but when she turned and saw it a cold chill ran through her entire body. When he approached he pointed to Vulcan and spoke.

"Who's in charge around here little girl." Tex said in a deep menacing voice.

"Um, no one at the moment sir." she said trying not to sound afraid.

"Hhmm alright. You two come with me." Tex said in an emotionless tone. After Caboose and Tucker left Vulcan couldn't help but follow when she finally caught up she saw Tucker had finally finished tell them the whole story and Caboose had a lot bullet holes near his head. But she had kept back until it left. After it did, she met up with the rest of her squad.

Back at red base Rogers had gotten up from a long needed nap and went topside to see Grif speaking with Simmons like usually. He saw a shimmer of light but shook it off. He began to lay down and look at the sky. "What are you doing Rogers?" asked Donut still holding the flag.

"Just looking at the the way good job witht he flag you might get a pormotion. " After a good minute he turned his head to see some kind of blue thing on Donuts head he scuddle back at the sight of the thing. And soon everyone started to freak out and then it exploded. Roger reached for his gun but something kicked him in the face and he soon found himself knocked out.

Back at blue base, Vulcan held a sniper rifle in her hand laugh at the misfortune of the red base. "He is really kicking their asses." Caboose said with fear in his voice. She then went back to see the Fire red guy standing back up but Tex pushing him off the base roof top.

"Ouch." She said to herself. She just couldn't stop look at Tex after it had finished beating up the reds she laughed even harder when she saw it take all of their wallets. Soon Tex disappeared and Vulcan jumped back into the conversation.

"I am really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs."

"Amen brother."

"It definitely seems like your of killing of Church started to work out for us." said Tucker.

"You know, you think so huh? You know I was going to say something but-uh, wait, no."

"Well he was a terrible soldier and good riddance." Vulcan said taking of her helmet and spitting. She then put back on her helmet and looked down the scope of her rifle.

"Hey Vulcan can I use your sniper rifle?" Tucker asked ever so sweetly.

"Piss off." After a good minute there it was a deep disembodied voice and when she turned around there he was Church. "Ah Church I've missed you and definitely not sold your stuff on ebay."

"Huh, what? never mind I don't want to know. Anyways your flag is back by the way. But how'd guys manage to get your flag back?"

"Ebay?" Vulcan said with an uneasy laugh.

"Vulcan, who do you think you're trying to fool here. Hey wait a second, where's Tex?"'

"I not really sure, he said he was going to go to the store, something about, elbow grease." said Tucker.

""Elbow grease? I mean ya we're running low on it." Vulcan said look at Tucker

"Oh great, this is so typical for you two. What was the one thing I told you guys last time I appeared?"

"That sidewinder is cold?" said Caboose.

"What was the other one thing I told you three."

"Not to get him involved?"

"Right and what did you do?"

"We let him get involved."

"And not just a little involved. How involved." Church said angrily.

"A whole lot." Vulcan said look at the ground with shame.

Back at red base Rogers had just got back to his feet after being knocked out and pushed from the top of red base. He went in to find Sarge and Lopez tieing up Tex. "Hey son you alright?" asked Sarge.

"I think he chipped a tooth." Rogers said half dazed.

"Well standing right there isn't going to help now help me finish tying him up." Rogers followed Sarges Command and tied Tex up and he soon wander off to his bunk and laid down for five minutes to return to help with the prisoner.

Back at blue base Vulcan looked down the scope of her rifle. And listened to Caboose's rambling. But when Church stated his worries for Tex, she spoke up. "Why are you so worried Church I thought he stole your girl."

"I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason why we never got married."

"She?" said Vulcan, Caboose and Tucker in unison.

Back at red base Rogers was standing over the prisoner with his assault rifle pointed at the prisoner with lopez. When the prisoner woke up he tightened the grip of his gun. "Oh great you broke my voice filter you cockbiting fucktards."

"Your a girl!?" Rogers yelled in surprise.

"Oh course I a girl you dumb shit." hissed Tex. But all Rogers could do was stand there in disbelief. He's trained with female soldiers before and they weren't half bad fighters but he never met someone who take out three soldiers without their gun, not to mention someone so mean.

"Ah I knew it. Only a chick could give me this big of a headache this big!" Rogers step back towards Grif and whispered.

"If she could take out three guys without a gun think what she can do to you if you piss her off." Rogers waited for a smartass remark but all he heard was a gulp. He then stepped forward next to Lopez.

Back at blue base Vulcan was talking with Tucker and Church. "Let me get this straight that wasn't a guy at all." said Vulcan.

"And your ex-girlfriend." Tucker added.

"In a nutshell, yes. That is an excellent summary."

"I should've known, she didn't like me. Girls never like."

"Caboose, I don't think anyone likes you."

"That's not true. I have a mild distaste for Caboose."

"Yay."

"Shut up." Barked Vulcan.

"I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before, and she makes Vulcan look like a puppy. Are you she's a chick and not a guy, or like part guy part shark."

"I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy, and I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark."

"Wait, if she a girl, then why is she named Tex?" asked Caboose.

"Uh, because she from Texas. Trust me it makes sense and it not fully her fault."

"Ya you should blame god. First he makes hangover and now half women, half shark that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing god." Tucker said shaking his fist at the sky

"Will you shut with that. She got into some kind of weird experimental program, back during basic. Where they infused her armor with this really aggressive AI." Vulcan thought to herself, that was really risky stuff she remember something her father told her about, the project her father told her about was some man went crazy and killed ten men and himself when the AI malfunctioned they had to EMP the whole place.

"AI, whats the A stand for?"

"Artificial."

"What's the I."

"Intelligence."

"Ohhh! What was the A again?"

"Shut up Caboose or you'll give me a migraine." sighed Vulcan.

"So the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she really just sweet down home girl?" said Tucker.

"Oh hell no! She's always been a rotten bitch. It's now that she's now a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow Church you really know how to pick a gal." Chuckled Vulcan.

"Ya, she's a real keeper."

"Shut up, anyways are you following any of this whatsoever, Caboose?

"I think so, that guy Tex is really a robot and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you a gay robot."

"Oh dear god, Tucker when rations run out low I say we eat." said Vulcan.

"Agreed. What did Church just say he was a gay robot. Ha."

"Let it go Tucker, let it go."

At red base Roger's was with Grif and Simmons watching the prisoner. "So you're a girl huh?"

"Just ignore him that's what I do."

"Not so tough now we unloaded your weapon, are you?"

"Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you."

"Ya right. What are you going to do punch me?" After Grif spoke the women stepped up and Grif coward away.

"Grif what did I tell you about antagonizing the super killer." Rogers yelled at a cowering Grif.

At blue base Church was telling the group he had a plan to save Tex. "A plan, I hate plans, that means we're going to do stuff. Can't we have a strategy or a mission statement?"

"I think we should do a tactic."

"Vulcan that worse than a plan, that's like a plan but with more shooting."

"Tucker, Vulcan shut up. As I was saying I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex."

"Distraction, that sounds alot like decoy." Caboose said with an uneasy laugh.

"Can't we just use Caboose." Moaned Vulcan. All Church did was glare at Vulcan and returned to talking.

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the three of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon wearing black armor while I sneak in the back of the base. Do you like that 'tactic'?"

"Sounds good."

"Sure."

"But Church, where are the hell are we going to get three suits of black armor?" When Church looked towards the teleporter she got a little queasy. Tucker entered the teleporter and when he came back out after a minutes she began to yell at him.

"Does it hurt?"

"No, not at all." lied Tucker.

"O.k here I come." Caboose then turned to Vulcan and spoke."I'm nervous Vulcan." said a shaking Caboose.

"Don't worry we can both go." Caboose nodded his head and went in, she soon followed a second later. After what appeared to be only a second, Vulcan exited the teleporter and felt a sharp pain through her entire body. "Motherfucker!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "You lied you cockbyte." she said throwing a small rock at Tucker's head.

"Sorry." Tucker said with a light chuckle.

At red base Roger was guarding the prisoner while Grif and Simmons were arguing on how to say both. "Are these idiots always like this?" asked Tex.

"Yep."

"Are they like dating or something?"

"Oh, no no but it does look like it. They're like best friends or frenemies."

"Ah that still would explain a lot though." Soon the Sergeant came over and called for Grif to help him.

"Maybe we should all go sir."

"Well,well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank. Why don't all of you come up?Leave the prisoner alone. We could put her on the honor system, let her guard her self." Sarge said waving his arms around

"Good point sir."

"You're goddamn right it is." Rogers just rolled his eyes went back to watching the prisoner.

Back with the blues Vulcan was waiting for Church to give them the all clear. When he told her that the orange guy was out of the base she was ready to spring into action. But when Caboose began to interrupt she sat there but then the two began to argue and she lost. "Both of you shut the hell up."

"Alright, alright." said Tucker. "Caboose get ready to run."

"O.k" He then took off and hid behind the rock.

"Caboose they can still see you." yelled Tucker.

"They can't see me.I can't see them."

"That's not how it work, you dumbass." Vulcan yelled back. He soon regroup and began to speak again.

"Guys, I just want to say I having a really great time."

"That's great Caboose." said Vulcan.

"Yeah it's like we're real soldiers."

"Would you please go hide behind another rock." said Tucker.

Back at the reds Simmons and Rogers were guarding the prisoner. "Hey simmons."

"Yeah."

"I got to take a leak, you mind guarding the prisoner alone."

"I don't mind."

"Thanks man."

"Don't mention it." Rogers made his way down the hall when he saw the Sergeant.

"Hey Sarge."

"Soldier do you mind telling me where the prisoner is?"

"Um ya, she just right there." Rogers said pointing down the hall. "Is everything al-" In mid sentence he dropped down to the ground unconscious.

Meanwhile

Vulcan was laying on the ground while Caboose was standing on the rock looking down the scope of the rifle. "One of the reds have Tex, I'm going to shoot him and kill him and free Tex. Then Church will forgive me for kill him and we will friends."

"Then stop yapping and started shootin then." Yawned Vulcan. She braced herself for the rifle shot and then there was a boom. "Humf he actually did, hey Tuck did he hit the red guy or score another team kill."

"I don't know. Maybe if I had had the rifle I could see."

"Nope."

"Damn it!"

Meanwhile

Rogers just began to regain consciousness when suddenly the sound of a sniper rifle going off caused him to jump to his feet. He checked himself to make sure he was alright, he sighed in relief but came rushing out when he heard the yells of some girl. When he got there he saw Sarge in the ground with a pool of blood and everyone was freaking out. Grif was trying to resuscitate him by hitting him with a when Grif took off his helmet and Sarges he turned around to avoid the horror. When Rogers turned his head he saw the most amazing thing Sarge was actually alive. I'll be damned. But too little surprise he praised Simmons and belittled Grif. After a few hours Rogers was back on top of the base looking outward. He soon heard a voice, he turned his head too see a woman in pink armor. "So Donut died and they replaced him, damn shame."

"I'm not dead."

"Donut you're not dead, and most importantly your pink."

"It's lightish red." Soon Grif and Simmons came up too see the recruit. "Hey guess what, so command was so happy I captured the flag they gave me my own color armor."

"Uh, hey donut."

"What?"

"Um about your armor."

"What about it?"

"It's ah, Grif you want to help me out here?"

"It's pink. Your armor is fricken' pink." said Grif.

"Yeah that's it, it's pink" said Simmons.

"I have to agree with them on this." Rogers said rubbing his neck.

"Pink! My armor not pink."

"No donut it's pink."

"You guys are color blind. Why would they give me pink armor."

"Hey don't ask don't tell." Rogers and Simmons began to snicker while Donut gave them a glare through his visor.

"That's not funny." said Simmons.

"It's a little funny."

"It's not pink. It's like, uh lightish red."

"Guess what they already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? Pink."

"I hate you guys." After a minute of snickers between Simmons and Rogers it had died down and then Sarge came up.

"Hello dirtbags, and a fine hello to you, Madame."

"It's lightish red."

"So sad, he trying so hard to deny it, it's like when Grif heard that McDonald's was discontinuing the mega fry special fried in butter. Grif cried for a week." Rogers whispered to Simmons.

 **Flash back**

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." cried Grif as the news man reported that the mega fry special fried in butter was getting discontinued forever.

"I don't know what he's getting so worked up for. Those actually caused people to sweat butter." said Rogers taking pity on Grif who just ate his last fry special and was crying butter on the floor literally.

"I know right remember when he dropped the packet on the floor the whole floor was slick for a week." said a disgusted Simmons.

 **Now**

"Don't get your panties in a wad there Barbie." Sarge said to Donut. "Do you have a package for me?"

"Yes sir."

"Excellent."

"They said this speech unit should work with lopez."

"Speech unit?" said a dumbfounded Grif.

"Affirmative, Command was fresh out of speech models, when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to. No offense Simmons." Rogers rolled his eyes and began to listen again to the conversation.

"Wait a sec,Lopez is a robot."

"Of course he is, you didn't notice that he never talks."

"I just thought he was a really quiet guy"

"Or that he get 5 o'clock rust shadow." add Rogers.

"And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention."

"Well I did think the motor oil thing was odd, I just thought he was trying to impress me."

"Dip shit." Couched Rogers. A few seconds later he saw Sarge put the card into Lopez and some elettric static came up.

At blue base Vulcan just finished getting her armor to its icy blue. "And done." She then put her armor on and met up with Tucker and Caboose who have yet to finish their armor. She went up top to see Church but he was with Tex. She just went back to her small room and got a book.

At red base Rogers, Grif and Simmons were telling what happened to Donut."Right that was a grenade."

"And last thing I remember is a loud bang and then Simmons fainting."

"Bitch." Laughed then turned his head to see Sarge fixing up Lopez. It turned on and began to speak spanish. Damn it, Roger thought to himself. I failed spanish, I only know simple things and swears.

"Lopez speak english" yelled Sarge but all that Lopez did was reply with more spanish.

"Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static sir."

"Maybe princess peach picked up the wrong model."

"Seriously dude, for the last time not pink." Rogers began to wander off, and look around in the distance he swear he just saw something move but he just shook it off. He went down to his bunks while the rest off the guys dealt with the Lopez problem.

At blue base, Vulcan just finished a book she was reading when Tucker came to get her. "Church wants us all outside, just to let you know." He then ran off. Vulcan got up and ran out to follow the soldier. When she got there she just barely heard that Tex was leaving.

"How are you square with me?"

"Because I didn't kill you back at sidewinder."

"You know I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor."

"Well if you don't appreciate it , I could just kill you now."

"You can't I'm already dead bitch."

"Oh." Everyone turned there head towards Vulcan. "I'll shut up now."

"As I was saying the jokes on you."

"Stop it, stop fighting. Can't you see you're tearing us apart. What about us."

"Caboose you're an idiot." sighed Vulcan.

"We helped you too. And what do we get? Nothing."

"Well yeah but-."

"Yeah but nothing. He's got a point."

"I did help them get the flag back."

"Ya but you were paid to do that. We rescued you as a favor, we could of let you rot in a red army prison. It wouldn't have made any difference to us."

"Fine, I'll stay here as long as it take to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have I'm out of here. What do you need me to do?"

"I have no idea, if you knew how to fix a tank, I would you do that."

"Ok."

"Wait, you know how to fix Sheila?"

"Who's Sheila." Vulcan whispered to Tucker.

"I don't know." Soon they were off, It only took a minute to get to the tank.

"Looks pretty fuck up, you think Tex can fix it Tucker?" Vulcan said to the spirit.

"Probably." He then ran up a head and started to listen to Church who was already there.

"Ok take it easy guys. When I was over at the red base, I saw that they've got there jeep fixed. So whatever you do don't let them see us before we get Shelia back online."

"Oh that's Sheila." Vulcan said under breath, she turned her head to see Tex flip the tank onto it's treads. "Wow."

"I'm the one that's the least visible, so I'm going to head to higher ground to keep an eye on the red base. If I see anything I'll let you know."

"Ok good. I'll go see if Tex needs any help." Church wasn't listen to her so she went over to Tex anyway."Ma'am I'm here to see if you need any help."

"Do you know anything about engines?" asked Tex.

"I could hot wire any car I've ever met."

"Sorry kiddo, cars are whole lot different then this baby. Now how's about you braid your hair or something," Growled Tex. Vulcan walked away and gave her the middle finger. "I saw that." Vulcan ignored it and sat down and waited for further orders.

"Hey Tucker."

"What?"

"What the hell is my body still doing up here?"

"That's the part of being dead Church. You're body doesn't really move around anymore,maybe you haven't fully grasped the concept yet."

"Alright let me rephrase that. Why in the hell haven't you buried my body yet?"

"Burid? With what, all we have are pistol and rifles. What do you want me to do. Shoot you a grave." said Tucker.

"How's about shipping me back home. You know, let the loved ones pay little respect."

"Well, Church here's your girlfriend. Tex as churches loved one would you like to pay your respects." Vulcan felt a little bad when she saw her turn her back.

"Oh Church that's not the only thing you'll find disrespectable."

"What was that Vulcan?"

"Nothing." After a couple of minutes Vulcan played tic-tac-toe in the dirt with caboose and after a few games Church called up the blue squad. When they got there Vulcan saw Church staring at his own body.

"I am not happy about this."

"I have an idea. I have an Idea." Caboose yelled even louder.

"Yeah we heard you the first time Caboose. We just ignore you."

"Since you possessed that red guy and took control of him, why don't you just possess your own body."

"Oh, I see. So that way I would be living inside of my own dead body."

"Yes."

"Unable to move, just laying there in the sun, rotting for all eternity."

"Yes."

"Ok Caboose I make sure I get right on that."

"I think you're a mean ghost." Caboose said in tears. God he's like an emotional time bomb. Vulcan thought to herself. She then stood back at attention, missing the conversation Church and Tucker had. From what she could tell they were dismissed, Vulcan sat down on the ledge and let her feet dangle. She thought to herself, how peace and kind of beautiful this place kind of is. But it was interrupted by Tucker and Church's conversation to warn the reds. They're not as quiet as they think. When Church vanished, Caboose began to yell.

"Look at this. They have a girl."

"A what?"

"A girl a girl. Look pink armor."

"Oh man, how come they get a girl."

"Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right. And that I standing right here."

"So am I." Vulcan said taking off her helmet just to prove to them.

"Ya guys, but when we say a girl. We mean a girl-girl."

"And what the hell does that mean." Tex and Vulcan said in unison.

"Nothing!" said a panic Tucker and Caboose.

"Wait a second, if Tex that do think she heard Church's secret plan to warn the reds about her."

"Probably." yelled Vulcan.

"But I think I know how to find out." Caboose then walked over to the ridge and yelled to Tex."Hey, Tex. Uh, did you hear Church's secret plan to tell the Red's that you were fixing the tank?"

"Thanks dumbass now she's for sure to kill us all." sighed Vulcan.

"I had to check."

"Ah crap."

"What is it Tucker?" asked Vulcan

"Tex is almost done fixing up the the tank. I better radio Church and tell him what's going on."

Meanwhile at Red base,Rogers had just woken up from his nap by the sound of explosions. He grabbed his rifle and put on his helmet and run up top to see the tank firing at them. "What the hell!" He ran to take cover, and hid on the on onto the warthog and Sarge drove off after a minute they were running back. "Ramp is secure sir." laughed Rogers and Grif.

"If we survive this i'm going to kill all of you slowly." Rogers then saw Donut.

"Hey what are you guys doing up here?"

"That chick in the black armors back."

"What chick? The one that stuck the grenade to my head?"

"That's the one." Replied Simmons.

"The same chick who's fault it is that I'm stuck in this lightish red armor?"

"It's Pink Donut Pink!" yelled Rogers.

"Oh. I've been waiting for this. Hey bitch, remember me? I've saved something for ya." Donut then threw a sticky grenade almost half way across the canyon.

"Wow."

Back with the Blues Vulcan watch as the gal in pink armor threw a plasma grenade to Tex. All she could do was watch. She closed her eyes and put her hands to her ears then came the explosion. She then saw a guy in brown armor come running towards them. "Hey Tuck."

"What?"

"Should I kill that guy."

"No! That's Church."

"Oh, are you sure though." she asked wanting to shoot something.

"Just no." She watch as he Took out the dieing Tex and she all but couldn't feel sorry for him. She then started to walk towards the base.

 **This is basic info on the two oc's if you're curious. Also the AI part that isn't agent Maine it's something a lot older.**

 **Vulcan is aggressive to people she dislikes but if you're on her good side she quite kind. She not a girly-girly she's tough. She's also the daughter of a general(Real one), so she a alright fighter.**

 **Rogers is more laid back. He works hard like Simmons but doesn't respect Sarge too much and sometimes question orders, he's also quite lazy like Grif but only when work is done, unlike Grif though he eats a little more healthier and exercises before and after bed for a few minutes. Next chapter I'll tell you each oc's relationship to everyone's**


	2. Chapter 2

**Season one**

 **A/N I will do two(with the exception of season nine) PSA per chapter and they will be about the same with the exception that Rogers and Vulcan will be added or replace a RvB character for the PSA(Though I will do some original one also)**

"Hi I'm priviate L. from the poplar web series Red vs Blue."

"And I'm Dan Rogers, from the same series."

"Now we're not here to talk to you as famous actors, now we're here going to talk to you about tattoos. Take away it Rogers."

"Now some of you are thinking about getting a tattoo or getting more."

"Now we do a special point counter point argument on if you should get a tattoo."

"I'm for, while Church is against. Church you start off."

"Like what Rogers had just said i'm against. Now to start of is a bulletin list, tattoos are permanent, you are a goddamn idiot."

"Now for my points, tattoos are awesome, they can start conversations that lead you to your second real girlfriend."

"Which tattoo lead towards your second girlfriend?"

"You name it the four leaf clover, the skeleton holding a whisky bottle or my favor the asp snake on my left leg."

"Those sound like terrible tattoos."

"It could be worse I mean Grif got a tattoo design inspired from the movie Blade and my represents stuff. The asp is my loyalty to my friends, the four leaf clover means my Irish heritage and the skeleton and whisky represents my family's lover and killer. Booze."

"Alright well I know I'm not going to stop all of you from getting a tattoo so word of advice. If you're going to get one get one of your favorite web character."


	3. Chapter 3

**PSA new years**

"Hi I'm Emma Vulcan and I'm here to talk to you about a special day of the year. No it's not your boy/girlfriend anniversary or birthday. The holiday I'm referring to is new years. For most of you this is a day you stay up until midnight and drink." The camera pan out and Vulcan began to walk towards the guys pass out. "Here's a few rookie mistakes you should avoid. First don't load up on caffeine right away wait til the last few hours of the night, sleep in on the 31st of December and most importantly don't drink your guts out. If you follow these easy steps you will be right on your way of a night of clanging pots and pans and a massive hangover."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter two

 **A/N when you see something like this [Hello] that means someone is talking in a different language.**

It was a few months after Church and the Tex incident. Vulcan was standing at post watching out for any Reds who come too close to the base, but she was more interested in the Caboose problem, She watched and listen while Tucker bitch how Caboose was scary and things. She then saw the purple armor guy and spoke. "Halt."

"Oh sorry I have to talk to Tucker, command sent me."

"Oh you're with HR. Right that way." Vulcan said pointing to the aquagreen trooper." The man in purple armor then kept walking towards Tucker.

"HR?" Doc said walking away from Vulcan. Vulcan couldn't help but smile that Tucker was finally in trouble she barely listen to the purple guy or anyone else till he said he was a medic. "I received your call for a medic."

"Medic, ow great." Moaned Vulcan. "Man this guy was slow." Vulcan said under her breath. "Where was he when I broke my hand five months ago." She then joined up with the rest of her squad.

"Oh sorry for your loss."

"Oh thanks man it was tough but well what are you going to do?" sighed Church.

"We didn't like her very much, she was mean to other people." said Caboose.

"Who's in the other grave?"

"That would be Church." said Vulcan.

"Yeah thats me. I'm in that grave."

"Of course." The medic soon took a could steps back.

"See, he got killed by this uh crazy run away tank."

"Or the dipshit driving it." Vulcan said aloud.

"Oh yeah and then he became this really mean ghost and took over a mexican robots body and then we had to spray paint him blue and now he's alive again."

"So that's it." said Vulcan.

"Don't forget it took six weeks to get his spanish setting turned off." Church turned around and spoke some spanish. "What did he say Vulcan?"

"Something moron and off, that's all I got."

"Wait so no one is hurt?"

"Nope. We're all fine right now."

Meanwhile at redbase Rogers was loading his gun while Sarge told them of his plan to exterminate the blues. "So we'll be doing operation full attack. While Grif carries the extra ammo we'll be shooting at the blues. Any questions. Yes Rogers."

"How long did it take for you to come up with this plan?"

"Two days, now let's load up soldiers."

Back at the blues. "I'm a pacifist."

"Your a thing babies suck on?"

"No dude, that's a pedophile."

"Tucker I think he means a pacifier."

"Oh, yeah right. I totally was thinking of something else."

"Gross dude, just gross." said a disgusted Vulcan. Vulcan turned her head to see a green thing glowing right in her face. "Wow." she said stepping back.

"Don't worry this thing says everyone checks out well except you Miss, it says you have heightened aggression. Nothing thing to worry about though." Just then out of nowhere the reds began to attack. Vulcan took cover behind some rocks and fired a couple of shots at their sergeant. Soon Church and Tucker followed her to the rock.

"Alright Vulcan you say here and shoot at them since you have the best aim while I'll come up with a plan."

"Yeah I know!" she yelled firing her rifle.

Back with reds Rogers was firing his smg at the lone blue and yelling at him. "Take it bitch." He continued to fire his smg, until it started to click."Damn out of ammo." He then ran up towards Grif. "Grif I need ammo."

"Like I told Simmons I don't have any extra."

"Damn it Grif." yelled Rogers.

Back with the Blues. "Well they stopped firing that's a good sign, and church stop taking shot at Caboose."

"Yeah, yeah anyways they probably ran out of ammo."

"Hey Blues. We are giving you a chance to surrender."

"Yep they're out of bullets." said Vulcan.

"What are your terms?"

"What?" She then took aim at the Sarge but when Church said they give them doc she holstered her weapon. She then walked over to see Caboose limping and began to chuckle but stopped when she learned Church shot off one of Caboose's toe.

Back with the reds Rogers was listening to the exchange of words between Sarge and the blue leader. He got confused when they said they wanted something, but the demand they made interested him so he ready his camera, after two hours the show had finally began, Grif then made an ass of himself. "Hello next year's christmas card and youtube sensation."

"Hey. Remember to send me that to me alright?" said a laughing Simmons.

"Alright just tell me your e-mail." When they got the medic they began to walk back to red base.

"Grif you're in charge of watching the prisoner." said Sarge.

"Aw why me?"

"Because you're nacy no bullets." They then got back to red base when Grif was talking to Doc. Rogers was seating in shotgun with his feet up. Like ussualy Grif was fight with Simmons, but he just ignored them.

Back at blue base Vulcan was with Church and Tucker she was quiet till Tucker brought up an interesting point. "Hey Church if you body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff. Can't you just activated your repair sequence and fix Sheila?"

"Hey that's actually a great plan. I can't believe Tucker thought of it first." said Vulcan.

"Hey."

"Well, yeah it's a worth a shot I stand back."

"Anything?" asked Vulcan and Tucker.

"It's not as easy as you'd think it would be."

"Maybe there's a button on you somewhere." suggested Tucker.

"See what you can find." Vulcan then went behind Church to look for a button, but after a minute Tucker had found something.

"What is it, a button?" asked Vulcan.

"No, it's more like a switch."

"Well give it a flip."

"I don't want to flip it."

"What's the problem?" asked Church.

"Oh you've go messing with him right." Vulcan said under her breath. She went to the front and frowned when she saw where it it was.

"Why doesn't Vulcan flip it."

"No and suggest it again and I'll report you to HR."

"Bite me!"

"I could just spit in your food and put extra hot sauce since I'm also the cook." she said with a certain toxicity in her voice.

"You wouldn't." Only if Tucker could see my devilish grin, Vulcan thought.

"Hey guys." Church said butting in one of you has to flip it. "One of you are going to have to flip it."

"Hows about Caboose."

"Ow he's so stupid I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch." said Church.

"Fine I'll do." whinned Tucker, she watched him struggle trying to get the switch to move.

"Hey Tucker how's turning chicka bow wow" Vulcan laughed.

"Oh come on!" sighed Tucker. But he was blocked out by the sound of Church and Vulcan laughing. Then came a constant beeping.

"What the?" said Vulcan

Back at red base Sarge was asking for ideas what to do with the prisoner. "Here's an idea tie him up." yelled Rogers.

"We tried that once." said Sarge.

"You had Grif tie the knot, remember?" Sarge then sat quiet for a second before talking again. "I gue-" The warthog activated suddenly activated and spoke. Roges then quickly jumped out, and was ready to run since someone was messing with the warthog, and he didn't want to be blown up or any of the other bad luck the warthog has had.

Back at blue base Church was addressing the beeping noise. Tucker said something and worried her for a sec but when he told them he was trying to be helpful she just rolled his eyes. "All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us." After Caboose finished everyone stared at him for a second and Vulcan took a couple steps away from him. She just stood there ignoring the conversation the guys and just focus the fact that she has a psychopath in their ranks.

"Note to self lock my door at night and don't let Caboose help with dinner." She then calmed down and returned to the conversation with her eyes on Caboose for insurance. Caboose was trying to help but he broke the switch instead and she laughed,. Tucker then followed the wires and yanked it out and the beeping stopped. Church was happy till he realize he couldn't move his legs.

Five minutes earlier at redbase the warthog began to drive all by itself, it crashed into the prisoner landing him in the driver seat. "Damn it." Rogers said dodging the warthog. It began to drive away from redbase but then turned around. It began to speak, Rogers sighed as he thought why Sarge had even added so many useless do hickeys.

"Target red one." It was pointed at the fire-red trooper but he ran inside and it target the Sarge. He came outside after he heard a loud thud, when he saw what was happening he got even more worried and then the turret activated He ran towards it to stop it while Sarge was saying his last words, but the turret wouldn't stop or budge.

"Rogers."

"Yes sir."

"I just want to say I liked you more than Grif."

"I know sir. I know." As if a miracle the turret stopped. He then fixed his gun on the prisoner. "Move the jeep. Slowly."

"Alright, alright." said Doc pulling it forward."Sorry wrong gear." He tried again and crushed Sarge even more. "Sorry."

"Get out!" yelled the whole squad in unison.

Now, at blue base Vulcan was on guard duty while Tucker tried to fix up Church's body. When she catch first glimpse of the reds she bolted up stairs. "Church we got a problem." she yelled.

"It can wait."

"Do you feel that?"

"No."

"Church it's the-."

"Hey blues we're here to- what the hell are you guys doing?" yelled Simmons.

"Oh crap the reds are here."

"What? Vulcan why didn't you tell me?"

"Go to hell." she said giving them the middle finger.

"What were you doing down there?" asked Grif.

" are you guys talking about." said a nervous Tucker.

"We were just playing a game."

"Shut up Caboose." yelled Vulcan.

"What do you want reds get out of here. Or we'll start shooting at'cha."

"Oh yeah, you care to make that threat to my face."

"Uh no."

"But I will." Vulcan said firing her assault rifle at Grif. He jumped back missing the bullets by a few feet.

"Ha you missed me bitch."

"Did I."

"Did you?" whispered Tucker.

"Oh yeah I was aiming for his balls." she whispered back.

"Woa,woa woa guys, we didn't come here to fight." Simmons said raising his hands."We just came to give back the prisoner."

"Give him back? You can give him back you took him. Deals a deals."

"He's right, you know." yelled Vulcan.

"Yeah well forget it, we don't want him."

"Well sorry you can't have another prisoner, that was our last one."

"Hey dude what is your problem?"

"Didn't your ma'ma tell you it impolite to not look at someone when you're talking to them." said Simmons.

"He's shy." yelled Caboose. Vulcan couldn't help but snicker at that where Church gave her a glare and spoke.

"Look we don't want him and we don't care what you do with him, and if you don't mind we'd appreciate it if you leave us alone. We're in the middle of something private over here."

"Now get." yelled Vulcan raising her gun.

"Fine, but don't come asking for him back later."

"We won't." Yelled Tucker. The red then left.

"Whats going on? Are they there, did they leave? Hey some tell me what's happening."

"Calm down Church they're gone as far I can see. The only danger here is Caboose." said Vulcan in a calm tone.

"I could check if I had the sniper rifle."

"Ah Tucker look behind you." Vulcan said getting out the way.

"Motherfucker!" said Tucker.

"Oh Church, Church. Ok, I see , uh the two red ones are walking away, but the purple one is." Just then Caboose voice change to his evil tone. "I think he is going to attack."

"Purple? Wait a minute, the purple guy's that worthless medic."

"He not going to attack. He's a pussy fest."

"Yeah Tucker's right."

"It's pacifist."

"Whatever." Tucker said rolling his eyes. "Let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter."

"Yeah that sounds like fun."

"Wait a second, wait a second. Think about for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out thereby himself? This has to be some kind of trick."

"I'll bet they've used some kind of brainwashing technique on him. They're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans and also the schemes."

"Caboose that is ridicules." sighed Tucker.

"It is? Or is it so ridiculous it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you've never thought of?"

"Caboose get the sniper rifle out of Tucker face before he becomes your next team kill."

"Are you part of their schemes." Caboose said pointing the rifle into Vulcan face.

"Help me!" whimpered Vulcan.

"Well just keep your eye on him. We'll it's a trick if he tries to get into our base." Caboose then put down the rifle and Vulcan let out a huge sigh of relief.

"Hey do you think I could come hang out at your base for a while." said Doc.

"I knew it all going to die. Starting with you." Caboose said looking at Tucker,

"Sorry we're kind of busy here. So go away or something."

"Normally I wouldn't impose. It's just that I don't know the neighborhood too well and-"

"Listen Doc you're not fooling anyone with the innocent victim routine."

"Hey I can help, I know more than just medicine. I'm trained in psychology too. Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people."

"Just get out of here and tell your buddies in the red that their little plan failed." yelled Church.

Back at the reds Roger was on guard duty looking out for any blues. Rogers and saw Grif and Simmons approaching. "Hey guys did you ditch Doc?"

"Oh yeah but the Blues didn't want him." said Grif.

"I wonder why." Rodger said in a sarcastic tone. "Alright better head up topside." Grif and Simmons went up top and Rogers just stayed down to keep a look out for the blues.

Back at the blue base Church was addressing the legs situation. "All right Tucker what the hell are we going to do man? I got to get my legs working here."

"I don't know, but I can't just keep pulling wires down there. I think we should call in a professional, maybe someone who can fix Shelia too." Vulcan could probably get the tracks moving on Sheila, she took a mechanic seminar back at boot camp. She also slept through half it.

"Ok great the only two people who can do that are senior el roboto and Tex."

"Tex can be kind of hard to work with." said Caboose.

"No shit Sherlock." said Vulcan.

"Dead people can be hard to work with."

"Quite frankly, Tucker find your attitude offensive." Church said in a ultra offended tone

"Suck it up cupcake."

"Shut it Emma." Vulcan let out a low growl, she had several rules and one of them was never, ever call her first name.

"What about that Lopez person, is he available?" suggested Caboose.

"No I'm in his body remember."

"Well why don't you just leave his body and then Tucker, Vulcan and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?" said shook her head and went back to the topic at hand. "Either way is the best only option we have Church."

"I'm confused that seems like a good idea." said Tucker.

"I know." said Church.

"But Caboose said it."

"I know." Just then Tucker punched Church in the face.

"What the hell Tucker." Exclaimed Vulcan in shock.

"Sorry, I thought I was dreaming."

"Tucker when you think you're dreaming you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you."

"Dude it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having I'm not going to ask you to pinch me. Maybe Vulcan." She kneed him in the gut and Church gave her a nod of approval and turned his attention to Tucker.

"If you dented my forehead Tucker I'm going to be pissed." Tucker rolled his eyes and Church began to talk again. "Alright let's try this I'll jump out of Lopez's body real quick. You three watch him make sure he doesn't try anything got it?"

"Yes sir." said Vulcan.

"Alright here goes nothing." Church then exited Lopez's body and faded to nothing.

"You know I have to hand it to you Caboose finally came up with a good idea."

"Yeah for you I'll bake you some cookies."

"Aw thanks guys, it was nothing."

"No, no you really contributed and that what it's all about."

"Yeah Tuckers right."

"Thank you Vulcan." said Tucker.

"Yeah back in the spirit world. Man I forgot how good this feels Kind of loose-goose. Hey what did you guys do with my body." Vulcan then turned around to see the body gone. She could see it running but she she was lucky he would see him.

"Um um Caboose threw it into the teleporter. Yeah that's what happened."

"So that's not my body running away right this moment." CHurch said crossing his arms.

"We're in trouble aren't we?"

"Yes ma'am." said Church. Caboose just then began to shoot at Lopez's body.

"Whoa man you're going to damage my body. Tucker you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there." Church then vanished.

"There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again I still got this tingle in the back of- look dude I'm just not going back through the teleporter, ok."

"Come on you pussy, Church said we have to go through it."

"Yeah well, Church didn't think of this." After finishing his sentence Tucker threw a grenade through the teleporter.

"My god you are a moron." she said in the sassiest voice she could do.

"Bite me."

"That's it extra hot sauce."

"Lets just go." sighed Tucker as he ran towards Church's position Vulcan followed Tucker halfway across the cannoy. As they got closer Vulcan could see a small explosion.

Meanwhile at red base Rogers was up top talking to sarge when he heard a explosion. "What was that?" Rogers asked Grif. Grif looked down the scope of the sniper rifle and spoke

"Sir I think we're under attack."

"I'll go get the extra rounds this time." Rogers went down to the armor and when he got back up top Sarge, Simmons and the warthog were gone. He went back to the armory and put back the ammo case.

Back with the Blues Vulcan was still running until they came across Lopez. " **[** Got you know bitch, you will pencil the day you messed with dog team. **]**

"What did you say?" whispered Caboose.

"Basically that he shouldn't have messed with blue team."

" **[** Damn these blue bastards. They are as stupid as they look. **]** "

"Shut up dick."

" **[** You may have won this round,but your cruel reign of tyranny will be short lived. The red people will be avenged. **]** "

"God, your monolog is boring." sighed Vulcan.

"We need you to fix our tank."

" **[** Never will I work for the enemy. May a pox be upon your soul and your house. Long have my people suffered, but very soon we will see the coming of a new day. **]** "

"What is he saying Vulcan?"asked Tucker.

"Something bout a revolution and cursing our soul to the entirely depths of hell."

"Maybe he's talking about a robot revolution." said Caboose.

"Shut up." Tucker and Vulcan said in unison.

"Um guys."

"shut up."

"Um guys I think we should begin in the running now." Caboose said pointing to a warthog.

"Ow crap." Vulcan left her two comrades in the dust just before jeep can racing towards them. Once she saw that the jeep had blown up she casually walked back towards the guys.

"Alright let's show him to the tank." Once they got there Church told Lopez what to do.

Back at red base Rogers exited the base to see the warthog in ruin again. He sighed and asked what happened this time. "Well son it just blew up."

"That's great." After a few minutes the squad came down and Grif got up top of the warthog and looked through the scope.

"Aw crap they got a guy fixing their tank."

"Well we're boned." said Rogers.

"Impossible, our intelligence clear states-."

"We have intelligence?"

"I know it surprised me too." Chuckled Rodgers.

"That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez. Oh wait a minute."

"Sarge are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away , the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team."

"Yes Simmons I am. Quite obviously the blue team has constructed some kind of diabolical mind control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding."

"Or since he's a robot maybe they just reprogrammed him."

"Or maybe the the blue guy that got killed by the tank came back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body and that could also explain why Sarge went nuts when he had the prisoner. The blue ghost probly possed him too and the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body." Everyone stared at Donut for a minute till Roger spoke up.

"Donut are you on drugs?"

"No why?"

"I think I like the ray beam idea better." said Simmons.

"Yeah rookie your idea sounds little dumb." said Grif.

Back at blue base Vulcan watch Lopez fix the tank while Caboose was spouting nonsense and jumping up and down like a five year old needing to pee. "Hurry, hurry fix the tank so I can say hello to Shellia. And start killing everyone." Vulcan let out a sigh and pulled out a spray body and squirted Caboose.

"Bad Caboose bad." All Caboose did was let out hiss. Just then the tank came back online and spoke.

"Sheila you're fixed, you're fixed."

"Hello private Caboose it is good to see you again thank you for repairing me."

"This is just sad and creepy right?" Vulcan whispered to Church.

"Very." Church whispered back. He then left to get back his body. But then he reappeared and Tex's voice boomed. All Vulcan could do was swallow a nervous lump. Church and Tex began to be at each other's throats. After they stopped arguing Tex began to speak.

"After I became a ghost I began to watch you guys a lot." After hearing that Vulcan did realize that did explain why she felt someone was always watching her when she was alone. "Anyway I've notice a change in one of your guys Caboose."

"Like what puberty?" said Vulcan

"This isn't a joke. You haven't notice that he's become increasingly aggressive latey."

"We have." Tucker said.

"Yeah about the time you died." said Vulcan. Tex then began to tell then how it happened and Vulcan listened closely to the tale. She thought to herself this actually explains a lot.

Back at red base Sarge called everyone to a staff meeting. Ladies is has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person, who here wants to volunteer."

"So are we going to command for a new robot kit?" asked Rogers.

"Not exactly. Quite obviously we are without we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and or freaky cyborg thing."

"Really!" yelled Rogers.

"I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simply procedure, really." The men began to talk amongst themselves and voiced their concerns to one and another.

"He gonna to kills us all." said Rogers.

"Whoever gets the operation is going to look like a mutant I bet." said Grif.

"I still vote for Simmons." said Donut.

"Shut up Donut." said a nervous Simmons.

"Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot body."

"Sir."

"Yes Rogers."

"A friend of mine told me about this program where they teach common field grunts about vehicle maintenance. Wouldn't it be easier to send one if not all of us, to the program."

"What friend? You rarely ever talk to us." said Grif.

"A friend from basic. I keep in touch over the red army web page."

"Or we don't do this." said Simmons.

"Sorry fellas but I like the removing the gut thing better so I'll stick with that."

"I hate to agree with the kissass over here. But wouldn't it be better if we get command to send us another perfectly good brand new robot instead." said Grif.

"Negative meat sack, another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we can trust." Roger couldn't help but turn his head towards Simmons. "Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us." And as if clockwork Rogers turned his head to Donut.

"Hey pink suit guys, it's somebody else turn in the barrel."

"Holy shit, you amited it's pink." laughed Rogers.

"God damn it."

"Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing."

Back at Blue base Tex was killing time by telling a very funny story. "Alright so there we were going into highschool and I see this huge guy, who was a hunk by the way, sneak up behind this scrawny kid who I knew because we lived on the same block. Anyways this guy sneaks up behind Church and then pulls down his pants. Everyone was laughing and so was I, but then I start to feel sorry for this kid so I give him a hug but unknown to him I take take his keys from his back pocket and leave without him knowing a thing. I go to the parking lot find his car and take it for joyriding for what ten minutes when I get back there he was with a camera in hand and a phone in the other and since we were in a public place so I couldn't beat him up so he says. I promise I won't call the cops for one thing and thing only. You, me date after school. I agree, after school we go to this fast food place and talk after we're done we walk by and alleyway and I punch him in the gut take the camera and book it. And that was our first date." Vulcan and Tucker couldn't help but laugh at her story.

"Well Tex that was a great story. I especially like the part about Church getting pants in High School."

"Me too."

"I found that part to be entirely out of context." said Church.

"But I don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI."

"I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that the AI can be transmitted from host to host by way of the helmet radio. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and escaped. IF we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat."

"Sounds like a plan Stan." said Vulcan.

"Don't ever say that again." hiss Tex.

"Alright Tex and I will possess Caboose then. Vulcan, Tucker we need you to work on the Reds get them to turn off their helmet radios so O'malley won't have anywhere to go once we get him out of there." said Church.

"Right." Tex said in agreement.

"How are we supposed to do that?" asked Vulcan.

"I don't know come up with a plan." added Church.

"Come on you know how I feel about plans." said Tucker.

"You're not going to have much time when we get in their, so move fast."

"Oh I see you have no Idea what idea what we should do or how we should do it. But whatever I do I should do it fast."

"Tucker this is no time to be acting all fussy. But you do make a good point."

"Try shipping your pargin, think outside the box." This then gave Vulcan an Idea she remember when Tucker had a phase where he'd play non stop punk rock but since they had no cd player he had to play it over the blue team radio. It was super annoying so she and Church turned off radios. Next thing she knew Church and Tex were gone and Caboose was spouting nonsense.

"Hey Lopez hows your singing."When Lopez began to sing and she wanted to turn off her own ears. "Alright that's enough."

"What are you doing?" asked Tucker.

"I just got ourselves a plan."

"What is it."

"We're going to patch Lopez into the red network and let him sing till they turn off their radios."

" **[** That might actually might. **]** " said Lopez.

"What did he say?" asked Tucker.

"Basically, he said that I was right."

"Alright fine let's load up." Tucker got into the drive seat and Vulcan sat down on the tank holding onto a handle bar.

"Hey Tuck do you know how to drive the tank."

"I took a class online." He then began to drive forward and Vulcan held on for dear life.

Ten minutes early at Red base Rogers was atop of red base with Simmons looking out for any signs of the blue army. "So Simmons you nervous about the cyborg operation."

"What the fuck do you think."

"Hey calm down."

"Sorry, it just that I don't want to be cut open and stuff."

"You know I would think you'd love to be turn into a robot, you know since when it's your turn to pick a movie it usually involves cylons or cyborg and sometimes androids."

"I like to watch and read that stuff not be it."

"I mean if I could be there I'd rather have a robot arm and or a cyborg eye."

"Yeah well what Sarge told me is that 50% of my guts are going to be replaced with robotic parts and 40% of my skin is going to be replaced with iron plating."

"Wow that sucks, hey shouldn't you be like in down in the med room."

"Yeah well Sarge is scraping up a couple more part and he said might take a while so I'm just waiting around till he's ready." He and Simmons sat in silence till the tank came over the hill and hit Grif. Rogers went downstairs and tried to go get him but Sarge stopped him.

"Son if you go out there you'll get killed might as well wait here."

Back with the blues Vulcan jumped off when they came real fast to the warthog. The tank hit it and she thought she saw an orange blob go under the tank. "Hey Tucker I think we hit something."

"We'll figure that out latter. Hey Sheila hack into the red radio." This is going to work she thought to herself but to her surprise Tucker tried to talk to them instead of doing the plan she thought of.

"Tucker we agreed on aren't biting anyways."

"Alright fine we'll do it your way. Sing it Lopez."

Back at Red base Rogers was amused that the blue guy asked the Red team to turn off their radios until this horrible music began to play. "God what is this shit." Rogers said turning off his radio, he watch Donut dance to it. "Really Donut you like that?"

"Yeah it rules It kind of reminds me of my Jazz cd I tried to get with Grif." It just then hit.

"Oh crap Grif!" Rogers said running out of the base, he found the tank had left and Grif was laying on the ground. He check for a pulse and found an irregular heart but which in this case was a good thing. He tried to pick up Grif up but he was too heavy so he dragged him to the infirmity. "He's hurt Sarge but he'll live. I think. But I think we should to a test a or two."

"Alright, Hey Simmons get over here."

"Yes sir?"

"We're going to do your cyborg operation in a minute so lie down."

"Alright." Simmons said while laying down. "Hey what do we have for antistatics?"

"We have standard water down morphine but we'll have to administer it slowly at 1cc every half hour."

"What!"

"Hey Simmons don't worry I got a old family trick remove your helmet."

"Alright." After he removed his helmet Rogers cracked his knuckles. "What are you goi-." Just then punch Simmons across the jaw and knocked him out cold.

"What did you that for?" asked Sarge.

"Every year when I was young my dad and grandpa always had a drink contest and one of them would go too far and had to knock out or they would get violent. That and I always wanted an excuse to do that."

"Hum sounds like my family gathering too." Sarge then remove Grifs chest piece and found his chest bruise and then check out Grif heart beat and found it dangerously irregular, he check his blood pressure and found it dangerous too. "Well this is going to be a long day."

Back at blue base Vulcan had just got back from her mission. First thing she did was check up on Caboose. "Hey buddy how's it going?"

"My head feels like it got punched."

"That's because Church and Tex killed an evil AI in your head."

"What?"

"Well talk about that later, now I bake some cookies a few hours ago and we just got milk from command."

"What kind of cookies?"

"Oatmeal and raisin for Tucker since he put on some weight and Peanut Butter and chocolate chip for me and you."

"Yay!"

Back at red base Simmons had finally woken up from there sugary. "Hey Dickhead why did you punch me?"

"Oh that the um the morphine was tainted?"

"Um thanks then." Grif then sat up he groaned in pain.

"Uh I feel like I've been binge drinking for five day, got stabbed and woke up in a pool of ice with no kidneys and livers."

"Put on your armor and meet us in the commons." Rogers then left the room and called down Sarge when he got there Grif and Simmons were fully armored up and Grif was still in pain.

"Grif try not to move too much. You've been through the ordeal."

"Oh man where am I."

"You're in heaven." said Roger

"What!? But why get me in my armo-"

"Nah man I just joking."

"How long was I out and Rogers so help me god if say a year I will shoot you."

"Donut worry Nurse Donut stayed by your side whole time stroking your hand and keeping you company."

"Oh my right hand?"

"Your left." said Donut.

"Note to self cut off left hand."

"Technically speaking it's not your left hand."

"Say what?"

"I had to replace certain body parts that were severely damaged by the tank that ran you over and a few that atrophied from a lifetime of diet of hoo-hoos and bacon flavored marshmallows."

"Wait which body parts?" Sarge began to reference the parts of the cow but Rogers walked up and began to speak.

"Basicly everything below the waist was spared except your right big toe and entire left foot. The only thing that still remain of your upper half is your eyes,most skin and bit of the brain."

"Wait where did you get the replacement parts?" asked Grif.

"Why from our other subject of course." As far as Rogers could tell Grif mouth Dropped to the floor. He left so he could avoid being near the awkward situation. After everything was done and over with Grif caught back up with Rogers who was top side.

"Where were you Rogers?"

"Oh I was helping Sarge cutting up Simmons because Donut here is afraid of the guts. Which to be fair was freaky but I didn't show it.

"Well good to know."

"Hey guys?"

"What is it Donut?"

"Do you think I jump up there from down here?"

"I say not." said Rogers.

"Care to make a bet? Fifty bucks says I can jump up there."

"I'll take some of that action." said Grif. After ten minutes of nonstop jumping Rogers and Grif were getting board. Rogers was laying while Grif was smoking. When Simmons came by he headed down stairs because he knew Simmons would not be happy about the smoking when he got down to the common Donut was still Jumping.

"Hey Donut just pay up."

"One more try. Please?"

"Fine." sighed Rogers as Donut jumped and the disgusting spleen ball came rolling towards them. "Hey Donut I think you shou-" Before he could finish his sentence Donut landed on the ball and some parts of the ball got on him and next thing he knew he fainted.

Back at blue base Vulcan was with Caboose and Tucker. Caboose was upset that Lopez was hanging out with Sheila. "Man Lopez and Sheila have been spending a lot of time together." said Tucker.

"I don't like it, he's not good enough for my Shelia."

"They seem happy together."

"Yeah don't you want Sheila to be happy?" added Vulcan.

"He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her."

"What are they like taking nitro?" Caboose just ignored her and kept talking.

"Because she is young and naive. And delicate."

"Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons dude."

"Not to mention she has enough firepower to level a entire building in what two shots."

"And that."

"She is a precious flower."

"Oh dear god." sighed Vulcan. "One thing I hate is poetry that compare people to flower and the sun." she said under her breath. Tucker then left and she was with Caboose, she patted him on the back and he began to yell thing to Sheila. "There, there." But all Caboose did was sob quietly.

Back at red base after a long time Rogers finally got up and went tops side and asked someone what happened. "Oh Donut popped the spleen ball and it got all over you and you passed out." said Grif.

"Oh, so what's happening now?" asked Rogers.

"We're going to get Lopez back and you, Grif and Donut are going to be on recon.""

"Got it, dids on the sniper rifle."

"Fine, meet us on cliff." said Grif. Rogers nodded and ran down towards the armory and grabbed the sniper rifle and his lucky assault rifle. By the time he got outside Grif and Donut were halfway to the cliffs. He ran towards them and by the time he got there Donut was playing his own spy music and Grif told him to shut and Look for somewhere else to be a spy. Donut then left. Rogers followed Donut with the sniper rifle to make sure he stayed out of trouble, he snickered at him when he skipped and pretended he had a jet pack. After a couple of minutes he entered a cave and came running out towards blue base.

"Grif we got a problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"Take a look." Rogers said handing Grif the sniper rifle.

"Shit."

Five minutes earlier at blue base, Vulcan was with a down in the dumps Caboose who was too sad for a cookie. "Are you alright buddy?"

"I want Sheila to like me." Caboose said teary eyed.

"Don't worry they're a bunch of tanks in the mortar pool. Did you hear that? Come on." Vulcan said getting Caboose and Tucker to check it out. When she came out to see what it was after sending Tucker and Caboose she saw it was the gal in pink armor.. She and the guys took him to the commons and interrogate him.

"So they sent a female assassin to kill us, clever but won't work."said Tucker.

"Sorry bitch but your whorish ways won't work on us maybe Tucker."

"Hey!"

"Shut up."

"Female? I'm not a girl. I just have light-red armor." Vulcan was a little surprised.

"Really?"

"How is that pink armor anyway?Looks comfortable" asked Caboose.

"At first I hated it. But it kind of grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs sometimes awful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy"

"Really is that an F-5 model or F-6 because my friends had F-6 sliming and they said it's room and the inner lining was softier oppose to the F-5 models which might add are tight and constricting." Vulcan said while Tucker gave her a look.

"Really Vulcan you are talking about fashion."

"Sorry. Seriously though I got to know since I asked the question." whispered Vulcan

"F-6." Donut whispered back.

Back at red base Rogers reported that Donut was taken hostage. To no one's surprise Sarge wasn't happy. "How could of this have happened?"

"Um, Donut wanted to get a closer look but we told him it was a bad idea but he went anyways so not my or Grif's fault sir."

"I bet those two dumbass right there were fiddling around while Donut wandered off." said Simmons.

"Hey I'm using your cerebral cortex."

"Settle down ladies we need a new stratagem and we need one fast."

"Donut is sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything."

"Like what his crockpot recipes? I mean we're not swimming in information here. I barely even know what sector of the galaxy we're in. I know it starts with an D and has and 3 in it."

"Delta 4." added Simmons.

"See."

"You're right about one thing Simmons, the boy doesn't seem to see the entertainment value of being tortured. Oh these kids today,"

Back at Blue base Vulcan left Caboose in charge of the prisoner while she debriefs with Church and Tucker. "Hey guys did you get any useful information out of the prisoner yet?" asked Church.

"I figure he was sent here to steal back Lopez. But he won't give us anything except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?"

"Do we have a crock pot?"

"No, Caboose made a trade with annoying guy from blue command. He swapped it for a mystery box."

"What was in the mystery box?"

"140 jars of mayonnaise."

"Really I've been looking for my crockpot for over a month." said Vulcan.

"Hey your beef is with Caboose alright." said Tucker.

"Listen I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds. Alright here it goes I'll go posse the pink guy while you and Vulcan strike a deal with the reds got it?"

"Got it." Tucker and Vulcan said in unison. After a minute Church came back possing Donut.

"Alright let's go guys." They then left towards the red base when they got there Vulcan demanded an audience.

"Hey red tards we got your man." yelled Vulcan.

"Donut it that you?" asked Sarge.

"Yeah and they want to negotiate a surrender from us, no I mean them, no right us." said Church Vulcan shook her head in disbelief that this is the plan.

"Go away blues we haven't attacked yet, wait for us to attack then surrender." said Simmons.

"In exchange for not killing us us, they-them-we they would like to release the robot guy and me."

"Smooth dip shit."

"Shut up Emma."

"Hey what did I tell you about using my first name." Just then Simmons attack and told the blue to surrender. Tucker want to fight but Church calmed him down. The reds made their demands and then the blues.

"Hey Church also we want their crockpot."

"Why?"

"I want to try the pink guys recipies."

"Fine. One last thing the blues want is our crockpot."

"Alright but that's it." yelled Sarge.

"Noooo, you bastards." yelled Grif. After Grif outburst there was a couple of things trade off between Church and Sarge and then Church left Donuts body and he then left to blue base. Sarge then told Tucker that feet and legs were optional. And all she could think of was that he was swindling them. They soon left back to blue base where she found Lopez and the tank gone.

"This is not good." she said to herself.

Back with the reds Rogers was taking inventory and after he was done he went topside to speak with Sarge. "Rogers where have you've been?"

"Taking inventory."

"Oh yeah, come with me, we got work to do building robots."

"Um, ok. Hey I heard shouting what was that all about?"

"Oh that, the blues came to discuss the terms of which we get back Lopez and Donut return. All they wanted was two robot and for some reason our crock pot. So let's get started."

"Hey where are going to get the spare parts for two robots?"

"Don't worry I got that cover now let's get to building." After a couple hours of nonstop work, minor explosions a issue with a terminator, they were finally done and Grif came up.

"Hey guys it's almost time are the robots ready yet?"

"Almost I just got to tighten a few more things, oh yeah Simmons your foot is leaking motor oil." Rogers said screwing a few more things in. Then Sarge step up and Introduce their work.

"Gentlemen allow me to introduce Francisco Montague Zanzibar, and robot number two."

"Why didn't this one get a fancy name?" asked Grif.

"Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass back chip and rejected all the names we came up for it, but that's ok I added some special modifications. Check it out. Code word Dirtbag." The robot then came up and hit Grif with the butt of its rifle.

"That awesome sir. Let me try. Code word dirtbag."said Simmons. And like before the robot went up to Grif and hit him.

"Two can play at this game. Code word dirtbag." Grif said getting hit. "Aw, son of a bitch." While Rogers laughed the robot kneed him in the gut.

"Son of a bitch." It kneed him again. "Why Sarge? Why."

"Actually I don't remember adding that function. But anyway beside beating my troops with codewords, I placed an hidden microphone and the other has a 10-megaton bomb."

"Hey won't the blast be strong enough to kill us ." Rogers said pointing out holes in Sarges logic.

"Code word: son of a bitch."

"Aw crap."

Back at blue base Vulcan was loading her gun and getting ready for her squad to roll out. "Hey Vulcan, we're ready to go." said Tucker. She got up and left the base with Tucker, Caboose and the prisoner. When they got to their destination she could see the Reds and Lopez. This is not good. She thought to herself. She then tightened her gun and covered watched Tucker back as he spoke to the reds. Tucker then sent over Donut and she could see the robot the reds had built. The came Lopez and the robot and Donut went back towards the red side. She raised her gun and aimed it at Lopez. She then became distracted by the yelling of Tucker and Sarge running towards them and making gun noises followed by Caboose and next thing she knew a purple hovercraft came out of nowhere and it fired a rocket at Tucker. She then ran over to aid Tucker. "Hey Tucker you alright."

"No I might not make it and if I don't I ask for one thing, don't sell my stuff on ebay like you did to Church."

"No promises." Vulcan said leaving to help her comrades. As she ran around covering her allies she was stopped by a fire red trooper.

"Freeze."

"Hey buddy I don't have time for this." she said hitting him with the butt of her assault rifle. She was about to hit him again when all of the craziness stopped and she heard Sheila crying out about how doc took Lopez. She turned her head to see it for herself. She saw doc have Lopez at gun point and she heard him switch voices from a deep evil sounding tone to a scared voice. He then ran into the teleporter. She then heard Church yell truce. She extended a hand to help up the fire-red soldier and met up with Church to see what this was all about.

"Would someone explain what just happened here?" asked Grif.

"That evil guy on the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez." said Church.

"Not to mention he is possessed by an evil AI that belonged to the freelancer." added Vulcan.

"We need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back."

"Yeah we need to get the evil guy back he's only one that can heal Tucker."

"So now we are forced to work together. How ironic."

"No that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other." As Vulcan began to listen to the pointless conversation of what Ironic means she walked up to the only person who was not apart of the conversation the fire red trooper she had beat down.

"You know I feel like I'm in the company of idiots you know what I mean? Here we got some things to do and here they are arguing about what Ironic is."

"I know what you mean." said Rogers. Over the next two hours Rogers and Vulcan talked while everyone argued what ironic meant when the group was finished they went to the teleport and assigned teams. First was Sarge and Caboose, next was Simmons, and last but not least Rogers and Vulcan. Before Vulcan left she gave the valley the middle finger. The two found themselves in an warehouse.

 **Like I promised here's how each of my OC feel about the guys in their squad. First up Emma Vulcan. Vulcan is cool with Caboose, Church less so. He originally saw her as a joke but over time he began to respect. At first she and Tucker her were enemies mostly because Tucker was hitting on her every chance he got, but over time Tucker stopped and they became almost friends at this point.**

 **Dan Rogers is alright Simmons, he doesn't like how Simmons is a kiss ass but other than that their cool. Grif and Rogers are the closest thing to best friends he'll help Grif out with his job from time to time. Donut and Rogers are like studio room mates, they aren't best friends but friends. Sarge he has little respect for but doesn't out right show his disrespect.**


	5. Chapter 5

**snowday**

The camera pans to Rogers and Vulcan wearing snow gear over their armor"Hi I'm Emma Vulcan from the popular webseries Red vs Blue."

"And I'm Dan Rogers from the same series."

"Now we're here to talk to you about a special day. The thing that get you out of work and school, snow."

"If you live in places like Texas you might be asking yourself, What is snow?" Rogers laugh and quickly stopped. "Well than you're a dumbass but the producer told me to explain. Snow is the physical reaction when water gets cold and turns into a solid."

"Snow can come in many colors but that is general a bad sign like if it yellow then let it mellow or if it's brown turn a round."

"Now snow can be good family fun. Whether it's a snowball fight or a snowman."

"And remember don't eat the snow that isn't white and don't let your brother trick you into eating yellow snow when he says it's just lemon aid." sighed Vulcan. The camera pan out and Rogers began to talk.

"Hey can we take this off now I feel dizzy." Rogers then suddenly fell on the ground.

"Medic!" the camera then quickly fades to black.


	6. Chapter 6

**Get out of your parents basement**

"Hi i'm Dan Rogers from the popular web series RvB."

"And I'm Dick Simmons from the same show, and we don't like to alienate our audience but we realize something."

"We realize that some of you don't have any lives I mean why would you even watch this show if you didn't."

"What he means is that some of you still live at your parents house when you shouldn't Example when you're thirty+." Simmons and Rogers move towards Red base with Grif and Sarge in the background.

"So I say hey hon-" Grif stopped in mid sentence with a british accent. "Hey guys Sarge and Donut are ready for the skit."

"Cool." said Rogers. "Now Grif will play the lazy son, Sarge as the dad and Donut as the sheltering mom. Act-ch-ion."

"Son I think it's time you leave and never come back."

"Yeah right." Grif said out of breath and breezing heavily.

"Don't push him to hard dear." Donut said in a girly voice. "He's a delicate flower."

"More like a turned over tree, it doesn't move and is infested with bugs." A cockroach then went out of Grif armor and went back inside.

"And scene, great effect with the roach."

"What Roach?" someone said out of nowhere.

"Moving on. Now for all of you living in the darkness of the basement you should leave and get a life. But still watch our show."

"Also get a job so you can buy more of our stuff." Simmons said quickly as the screen turned black.

"Hey Simmons you want to get a taco I know this awesome roach couch."

"Ah! MY suits filled with Cockroaches!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter three**

Rogers and Vulcan found themselves in an industrial warehouse. They looked around but Vulcan stopped to take a look at a crate. "Hey, Rogers take at look." When he got there she read aloud what the crate had branded on it. "Project freelance. That sounds familiar."

"I think it's the company that the freelancer come from, that also give me a great idea." said Rogers.

"What is it?"

"Since these asshole gave us so much problems I think we should fuck up their shit." Rogers said with a devilish smile.

"How are we going to do that?" asked Vulcan.

"Help me break this crate." He said trying to pull off the top, Vulcan looked around for anything and she found tomahawk. She pushed Rogers out of the way and smashed the crate to bits to only revealed a couple of paint guns. Rogers picked up the gun and shot himself in the foot and then shot Vulcan.

"What the hell man?"

"Oh, just pick up a paintball and fight it's not like we're leaving anytime soon." he said shooting her again.

"Fine." she said Picking up the paintball gun and shooting Rogers in the face. For the next hour they fighted each other, they soon opened more crates and found grenades.

"Hey Vulcan what's that game with the shotgun and the thing that throws the disk."

"I don't know but fore." Vulcan said throwing a grenade up in the air and Rogers shooting it after a couple of throws from Vulcan and a couple fails Rogers could hear Simmons over his radio.

"Rogers, Vulcan! Finally found you just give me a sec and I'll send you guys a portal." said Simmons. The next second a green portal appeared and Rogers and Vulcan went through. After Rogers and Vulcan left a man walked into the warehouse.

"I am so fired." he said looking at the destroyed warehouse. After Rogers and Vulcan came out of the portal they saw Sarge, Caboose and Simmons.

"Hey I thought we would never see you guys again." said Vulcan.

"Hey Simmons do you know where Grif is?" asked Rogers.

"No. But where did you end up?" asked Simmons.

"Some warehouse." she shrugged.

"Alright. We just need to find Church and Grif." said Simmons.

"Hey wait Sarge didn't you plant a microphone in one of the robots." said Rogers.

"Oh yeah I forgot about that." Sarge said turning on the microphone. A familiar voice came on the air, it was muffled but the words came out alright.

"Man I hate this." At first he thought it was Grif but as the man kept talking Rogers had a theory who it was. "This sucks, I just want to lay around and do nothing. Right after I take this nice warm bubble bath."

"Donut." everyone said in unison.

"Caboose hold this while I help Simmons." Sarge said handing Caboose the controller. Rogers watch as Caboose looked at it and saw a button labeled nuke.

"If the button is large and red you have to push it." Caboose said happily.

"Caboose no!" Rogers said trying to stop Caboose, but it was too late he had just activated the 10 mega-ton bomb.

"Wait this might not be that bad of a thing." said Simmons, Rogers and Vulcan didn't know it was even remotely good. "I can trace the activation signal. Give me a minute and boom. Ok we can trace the bomb activation signal to Sidewinder. I just need to tell Donut how to fix the teleporter on his side and we'll be set." Simmons then got on the radio while he tinkered with the teleporter.

"Sidewinder that name sounds familiar for some reason." Vulcan said to herself. Next thing she knew Simmons and Caboose jumped through the teleporter again, she was hesitant at first but Simmons voice came on the radio.

"Come on Vulcan, it's perfectly safe." he said in a perfectly calm tone of voice.

"You only live once." she said jumping in the teleporter. "So this is sidewinder um, I thought it would be bigger." Just then Tucker, Tex and Donut came through the teleporter. "Tucker you're alright?!"

"Define alright, I can't feel my arm."

"Alright, hey come help me explore and find Church." said Vulcan.

"I have to clean this black stuff off." Tucker said walking off.

"Hey Rogers help me find Church will ya."

"Alright, Christ it's cold." Rogers said shivering. Rogers never liked the cold, he despised it.

"Hey doesn't your armor have heating?"

"Yeah but I used to live in Las vegas so I'm used to scorching temperatures all year round."

"Yeah I lived in Idaho so this sort of feel like home." she said throwing a snowball at his face.

"Rogers, Vulcan we found O'malley." yelled Simmons. Rogers and Vulcan then raced to regroup with the reds and Blues. When they got there O'Malley was giving a speech while everyone else pointed their guns at him. "O'Malley, the reds and blues are working together now, you can't hope to beat us."

"Yeah bitch just put down your gun and I promise I won't beat you senseless." yelled Vulcan.

"Oh I see you brought the little girl, oh and Vulcan your cooking suck."

"You bastard! I'll kill you." But all O'malley did was laugh evilly.

"Lopez activate weather control routine." At that very moment lighting and runes appeared around Lopez. Vulcan mouth dropped, at the sight of the super weapon.

"Oh Sampson's back hair. They found out secrete weapon, I developed a weather control device, but I was missing a critical piece of technology to make it work."

"And now I've located those D batteries the universe will be mine."

"Are you serious, you couldn't find D batteries?" said Tucker.

"Only at gas stations and they're just so darn expensive there."

"Are you kidding walmart sells them for 3.99." said Vulcan raising her hands in the air.

"Yeah but that's with coupons and I don't have time for that." Just then Church came around the corner.

"Whats going on?" asked Church.

"You want the long version or the short? Basicly you got a 10 megaton bomb in your gut and Lopez is about to kill us all."

"That doesn't make sense what's the long version."

"That was the long version, the short version is we're boned." said Tucker.

"Hey Sarge what is the fast most painless death. The bomb or Lopez's weather thing?" asked Vulcan.

"Both are actually painful. The bomb will first emit a wave of radiation and then explode. While if you get hit by Lopez's lighting it will melt your spine but you'll still live for five to ten minutes." As Vulcan sighed as a rocket came flying down almost hitting her. She then took cover behind a rock with Rogers.

"Well this is it, might as well." She said taking off her helmet and taking a deep drag from a cigarette. "Want one."

"No thanks smoking bad for you." Laughed Rogers.

"Hey it's not like I smoke everyday. I was just saving these for the end of the war or when i'm dying." She blowed the smoke before she back on her helmet and looked around the rock and saw O'Malley was about to kill Sarge and Grif but Simmons opened a portal and a group of teen like gamers came out and attack O'Malley. She and Rogers got up from behind the rock and regrouped with Church. Sarge tried to disarm the bomb but it was too late. "Well it been an fun life."

"Yeah it has I think I'll take that cig." Rogers said taking off his helmet to reveal his green and blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. She handed him the cigarette and lighter. He hit it and took a deep inhale. All Vulcan could do was stare at him and the next thing she knew there was a bright light. Suddenly Rogers knew he was a waking up in a desert, he got to his feet and walked around.

"I'm alive, holy shit. I'm Vulcan you alright, Vulcan." he said running towards the lifeless body of the icy blue trooper. He kneeled down taking off her helmet and checking for a pulse. He found one but it was faint. He took off his own helmet, pinch her nose and gave her mouth to mouth. When all seem lost her she grabbed Rogers throat and spoke.

"What the FUCK do you think you are doing?" Vulcan said angrily.

"Giving you mouth to mouth." Rogers said gasping for air.

"Why?"

"Because you weren't breathing." She then let go of him and wandered looking for anyone else who was alive. Rogers then caught up to her and after five minutes they found Donut. "Hey Donut it's good to see that you're alive, what about everyone else though?

"Alive and kicking except Tucker he's just alive. Hey do you want to in my play."

"What the hell but only because we survived a 10-megaton about you Vulcan want to join in"

"Alright." she sighed.

"Great Vulcan you'll be lady time while Rogers you be the bomb."After Donut then explained the whole play, Rogers and Vulcan began to talk after a while, soon Tucker got up and Vulcan and Rogers got in place for the play. Vulcan despised her part but she's only doing this because she owed Rogers one.

"Hello travel I'm lady time." sighed Vulcan.

"It's not that hard." said Donut. "Put emotion into it."

"These are my three children, the past my oldest child."

"Things cost less and people knew value of a hard day's work but they live to be only 28 years old."

"My geeky child the future."

"Where people have no morals and no emotion but we have a bunch of kickass gadgets" said Simmons.

"And my troubled child the present." said Vulcan.

"We have nothing cool ,also no morals and everything bad happens to me."

"And I'm the bomb that destroys the present." Rogers said punching Grif in the face.

"What the hell man."

"No, no you weren't supposed to do that." said Donut

"Hey that's what my script says and now I realize Sarge gave me the wrong script." At that moment Caboose came in while Sarge, Grif and Simmons argued which time was worse and Donut narrating.

"Enter stage left. Hello I am stupid private Tucker. I'm going to set off a big bomb now and totally, mess things up for everyone because I am stupid."

"Why would you kill one of my children why you monster why." said Vulcan.

"Because I am stupid. Turns around. Hello present I am going to set off a bomb in you."

"Don't do that stupid Private Tucker, that might kill me."

"Thinks about this for a moment."

"Caboose stop reading your stage directions." pouted Donut.

"Hey when am I going to do my actual part?" asked Rogers .

"This is stupid I quit." said Grif.

"If Grif quits. I quit." said Vulcan.

"You guys can't quit."

"Too late." said Rogers.

"I quit." said Donut.

"Listen son you and your buddy, Church set off a bomb which when combined with the weather machinery in Lopez made an explosion so large it destroyed the present." said Sarge.

"Destroyed the present? Then where are we." said Tucker.

"The future. Numb nuts." said Simmons.

"Aren't we in the present right now? Aren't we always in the present."

"I know it doesn't make sense but if you think about it it kind of does." added Vulcan. "Our present was destroy. Who ever was born now that is the present to them."

"Son you're just not listening." said Sarge.

"It make no sense." yelled Tucker.

"Your friend is pretty dumb." Rogers whispered Vulcan.

"He's not my friend."

"Boyfriend."

"Oh god !" Vulcan said Vomiting in her mouth. "Sorry we're just squad mates."

"Rogers."

"Yes Sir."

"Go look around for supplies."

"Sir yes sir." Rogers then left the area and look around, Vulcan followed him. "What do you want?"

"Someone to hang out with I mean you're the only guy besides Caboose and Donut that doesn't oggle me."

"Yeah well, anyways do mind helping me open this crate." Vulcan nodded and then she took off her helmet and took out a bobby pin from her hair.

"Hey do you have a knife." Roger took out his five inch blade and handed to her."Thanks." She said picking the lock. After a minute she opened it up.

"What's in there."

"A couple of assault rifle bullets, a playboy and a few engine parts."

"Thanks." Rogers then took the engine parts and went to sarge. When he got back to Sarge he found him working on what looked like a broken down jeep. Hey Sarge got a present for ya." Rogers said dropping a couple spare parts at his feet.

"Christmas must of came early. Where did you find these?" asked Sarge.

"A crate over wander."

"Well trooper you've earned a break."

"Thank you sir." Rogers said wandering back to Vulcan. He didn't know what but he like talking to her.

"What was that?" asked Vulcan.

"Sarge found a jeep and I gave him the engine parts."

"Oh, so do you know what to do to pass the time?"

"Well we can just talk." Suggested Rogers. After a hour Rogers heard Sarge call for him. "So you were a cheerleader."

"Yeah, wait do you hear that. I think your Sergeant is calling."

"Alright, nice see you later." Rogers said going towards Sarge's voice.

"What is it Sir?" Is it my turn for patrol."

"No son, just help me push the jeep into the sunlight."

"Alright," Rogers pushed the jeep until it was in the sun. When the jeep got into the sunlight it powered up and began to play polka music and then a voice came on the air.

"Does anyone read me over." said the girl over the radio.

"I guess we're not the last humans on this planet after all." Rogers said in a sigh of relief.

"This is freelancer Tex looking for anyone from the blood gulch outpost."

"Aw crap it's that chick that chipped my tooth turn it off."

"I've found O'Malley's base. I repeat I found O'Malley base." Rogers blood boil when he heard that name. O'Malley's the reason we're even in this bloody wasteland. When they got the coordinates Sarge spoke up.

"Rogers go get the blues tell them that we found Tex and O'malley."

"Got it sir." Rogers ran off and found the blue. "Hey guys we found Tex, and Sarge ordered me to inform you that we are leaving do want to come with?"

"Hell yeah." said Vulcan. The blue followed him to the jeep.

"What the hell it this!" yelled Tucker looking at the three seater.

"Sorry blues but you'll have to sit on each others lap." said Sarge.

"Shotgun." yelled Tucker. Tucker then raced in but Caboose then jumped on his lap. Grif was in driver so was Donut, Simmons and Sarge held on the gunner and Rogers jumped on the hood and then Vulcan sat in his lap. "What the hell why does the red get the chick on his lap."

"Shut up Tucker ih and if you make any jokes about lap dancing or something I will cut you." The jeep then began to trip as a whole was uneventful, Caboose need a bathroom break every hour, Grif and Simmons argued about the apocalypse, Rogers and Vulcan talked to each other not to mention Caboose's sing which kind of funny but the only real highlight was when Grif accidentally touch Donut cod piece. They soon came across the base Rogers and Vulcan jumped off and stretched their legs. Tex then came up to them and spoke.

"What took you guys so long to get here?" said Tex.

"There was eight of us and this is three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap."

"Not to mention when he had to stop when ever me and Vulcan got flung out. Which kill my neck by the way."

"Shut up. At least you didn't never mind."

"What'cha you find Tex?"

"Well O'malley's hold up in this fortress, he's been fortifying his defences for days now and he's got some help one of those religious nuts you guys picked up."

"I remember those guys they acted like teenage gamers." said Vulcan.

"What's the plan Tex?"

"Well first first we have to breach the outer wall, then we have to get past another wall. The second wall has a guard tower and razor sharp spinning blades After that we have to get past a gun turret break into the building."

"And then we attack O'Malley." added Sarge.

"No that's where we plant this." Tex said pointing to a large bomb. "I've scouted a location inside the base and a found a location where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked it with a big X."

"You scouted it." said Tucker.

"If you got past the two walls the huge spinning blade, the gun turret and made it inside all the way in the fortress, why didn't you plant the bomb then, instead of putting an X on the floor." said Rogers.

"I can't carry it." Vulcan and Rogers began to laugh at what Tex had said.

"Honey it can't be that heavy." Vulcan said walking over to the bomb and trying to pick it up. She failed and Sarge tried and like before failed.

"Rogers come over here."

"Yes sir" Rogers said trying to pick up the bomb with Sarge but they failed. Rogers was left out of breath.

"I can carry it." Caboose said walking towards the bomb.

"Be my guest blue." Rogers jaw dropped when he saw Caboose picking it up as if it was a feather.

"Alright, Rogers you're on watch duty ,patrol the beach looking out for anything." said Sarge.

"Yes sir." Rogers said running off. Vulcan followed him. "What do you want V?"

"Well you were telling me about your first girlfriend during the trip and you never finished."

"Well where was, oh ya. I made the biggest mistake of my goddamn dating life. I took this girl from boot camp Liz, to a casino, now that might sound fun but it was just me and gambling and drinking the whole night we talked for maybe five whole minutes then I just ran back to the blackjack table. I was so bad when I got back to boot camp the next day all I could hear was Dan did that and he did this Dan threw up on a cocktail waitress for three whole weeks. But to my surprise she came back we did a couple more dates but we left on bad terms." After he was finished Vulcan was laughed until she was snorting she stopped and turned away.

"Sorry, when I laugh too hard I, sorry if it bothered you."

"It's doesn't bother me." smiled Rogers.

"Did you really throw up on a cocktail waitress?"

"Regratibe so." Chuckled Rogers.

"Ok we're ready to go." yelled Tex. Rogers and Vulcan then left to regroup. When they got there Sarge told the group his plan. First was a complete suicide mission, the next one was a Grif cannon.

"Man your friend is an idiot."Vulcan whispered to Rogers.

"He's not my friend, he just my Sargent." Both of them laughed at this and he heard Sarge say or maybe we use the Rogers cannon. This shut Rogers up but not Vulcan. Tex then stepped up and offered a better plan. After ten minutes of explaining the plan, everyone was ready for action. Rogers was with Grif,Simmons and Tucker while Vulcan was with Tex. Vulcan had an extra sniper rifle whiched pissed off Tucker a lot.

"Do you know how to use that?" asked Tex.

"Yes, I was one of the best five shots in my boot camp."

"Nice."

Back with Rogers. "Welp, I'm going to die." said Rogers.

"Why do you say that?" asked Simmons.

"Because I'm with Grif and Sarge help modify Tex's plan."

"I don't know about that." said Simmons.

"No he makes a good point." added Grif. They then got into position. After a minute the first shot were fired. Vulcan broke away and left Tex in her dust, she crept through the Rogers, Grif and Simmons went forward. While Vulcan went ahead to scout out head, after a minute she met up with Tex.

"Where's Tucker?" asked Vulcan.

"He fell down a hole."

"Um ok." They then move into position, but the red zealot pinned them down. Vulcan tried to take a shot at his head but the non stop bullets caused her to took careful aim and fired at the Red flagite, the bullets stopped for a sec before she watched him get back on his feet, seems like she barely grazed him. When the bullets truly stopped she poked her head up to see the Red dead. She and Tex then went over towards Tucker to see that he held some kind of Sword.

"Nice sword."

"Thanks V." Tex then came up and took a liking to it.

Back with Rogers they passed the spinning blades and made their way into the fortress. Where they met up with Sarge."Hey Sarge."

"I need you three to look for Lopez."

"I think I saw him up here." said Simmons.

"Alright then go look." When Rodgers got there he began to look around. He didn't find anything so he went down stairs and still didn't find anything. When Sarge came back he over heard Simmons tell Sarge that they found nothing. He then heard Sarge tell the the men to follow him, Rogers followed and found a computer. Then he heard a familiar voice.

"Caboose it that you, can you hear me."

"Well I'LL be damn." Rogers said watching the never ending looping message and Caboose trying to talk to it. Sarge then tried to fix it but Grif just pushed the play button and the message began to play.

"Caboose I know you're there, I'm leaving message from 2,000 years in the past. Whatever you do don't touch anything. Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse, you're going to destroy this building and somehow bring about doom for their entire race." Rogers face had a grim expression, he knew Caboose was a walking disaster but not a walking apocalypse. "Whatever you do don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there, and if you do, definitely don't bring it into the main building. Otherwise the whole place is going to lock down you're going to be trapped." Like clockwork the whole place locked down and Rogers began to freak out. His breath was heavy and fast.

"We're all going to die, we're all going to die." Rogers yelled. Rogers was usually calm for the most time but when it came to life or death he wasn't as good.

"Calm down," yelled Simmons.

"No you calm down we're trapped here till we die." Rogers said angrily.

"God I haven't seen him this bad since we took him to that slasher movie."

"Or that time we were on a rollercoaster 1000 feet tall." added Grif.

Back with Vulcan she heard that the bomb was about to explode and she began to yell. "The only thing I regret was making out with Tucker during the Christmas party." she said crying.

"I knew you remember." Tucker yelled.

"I was drunk you asshole." She then began to panic, she then went up to Caboose. "Caboose, I just want to say that I was glad I'm your friend."

"I like you too."said Caboose. She then went up to a panic Rogers. She pulled him away took off his helmet and kissed him, he suddenly calmed down with a smile.

"I like you and since we're going to die well what the hell." She then ran off and put on her helmet and was ready to die with her squad. She closed her eyes and teared up, but to her surprise she heard Church's voice.

"Hey everybody what's up." She opened her eyes and smiled. "Hey Gary how you doing." The computer came on and spoke. "Hey can you do us a favor and shut off the bomb."

"No problem." said Gary. The bomb shut off and the door opened, Vulcan ran up and hugged him and then spoke. He awkwardly patted her back.

"Thank you, and sorry for interrupting."

"It's alright."Church said hugging back, after a minute he let go. "You won't believe the story I going to tell you but it's a good one." Church then told his story, on any other day she wouldn't have believed. After he finished his story, Church asked questions about Tucker's glowing sword and he began to explained all about it. Vulcan got bored and found Rogers.

"Hey, I just want to talk about the incident earlier." Vulcan rarely did things on impulse her dad taught better. But he say that it can save lives.

"What about it?"

"It's just that it was an impulse, and just don't want you to tell anyone so bye." Vulcan then ran as fast as she could. Rogers then went over to Sarge, while he was messing around on the radio.

"Hey Sarge why are you monkeying about on the radio?" asked Rogers.

"Yes." yelled Simmons.

"Where were you? We just finished a meeting. Never mind we heard a distress signal on the radio and I'm trying to find it ."

Meanwhile Vulcan was back with Tex spying on the Reds. She watched them but couldn't get anything special until Caboose came by telling them a story about the Reds. "They are probably trying to tune into the distress signal they heard on the radio."

"What makes you say that?"asked Church. Caboose then told the group what was happening with the reds. Vulcan wasn't too sure if this was a Caboose tall tell. "How do you know all this, Caboose?"

"Andy told me."

"Who's Andy?" asked Vulcan.

"Wait are you Andy?" Church asked Tucker.

"I'm not Andy I'm Tucker."

"No, I know what's your first name?" asked Church.

"Lavernius."

"Really, I made out with a guy named Lavernius." Vulcan said to herself.

"You made out with Tucker?" Said a disgusted Tex.

"I was drunk, too much eggnog. Not to mention you dated Church."

"Touche."

Back with the reds Rogers was listening to the vague distress call. "Is that it?" asked Rogers.

"Yeah it doesn't even say where or who." Simmons said aloud.

"We know who it is. It's on the Red army open channel. That means that the Reds have survived into the future."

"Or that this is just a endless loop or the Reds didn't survive and this is just another military frequency."

"None the less, it still might means we must've beaten the Blues otherwise there wouldn't be any Reds left."

"Or still endless loop." But to no one surprise Sarge kept going on.

"Finally victory is ours. Wait a minute this means I missed the entire war. Oh damnit."

Yeah, everything must be great. That's why they sent out a distress signal." said Grif.

"I should've never of sign up for this army." Rogers said sighing.

"Simmons have you tracked the source."

"Well Sir all I could tell is the direction. I have no Idea how far it is."

"Well Grif we are probably going to die chasing an endless loop, nice knowing yeah pal."

"You too buddy."

Back with the blues Caboose was showing the group who Andy was. To her surprise it was the bomb. "This is Andy. Andy this is Tex, Tucker and Vulcan. The black one is Tex and the other black one is Tucker. And the mean one is Vulcan. Caboose said whispering.

"So Andy is a bomb cool, cool." Said an uneasy Vulcan.

"Andy prefers the term explosive American. He told me what the reds are up to. Don't you Andy."

"Tex."

"Yeah, V."

"Distract Caboose, while I get a rock."

"Wait what?"

"Caboose has finally lost it. We have to take him out before he activates the bomb."

"Vulcan you're the crazy one and Caboose but he's less dangerous."

"Hey I'm not the jerk. You're the jerk, jerk."

"Church!" Vulcan yelled after hearing the bomb talk. After Church came down the blue surrounded the bomb. Vulcan was left speechless, at the talking bomb. But after it spoke she got tired of it, because the fact it was a jackass. She barely listen to it but when Caboose started a countdown that's when she got worried. "Hey, Andy hows about you do what my therapist says to me. Think of a calm river."

"Yeah right, I seen you, you an explosive temper greater than the fat man and little-boy combined."

"And that's why I fired my therapist." sighed Vulcan.

Back with the Reds, Simmons pointed the group in the direction of the frequency. "Rogers I'll assign you to take check of supplies." said Sarge. Rogers nodded looked around for a minute and came back. "Dagnabit, why are you still here didn't I-"

"I'm done."

"Say what."

"Yeah we don't have a lot of supplies, just whatever weapons we have are on us, a day worth of beef jerky and two days worth of water and last but not least this flask of whisky."

"Well that's none the now this is the most important job I need you to put the supplies in Warthog"

"Got it." While Rogers was pack he heard Donut say he found a path out of the god forsaken place, then he heard Sarge tell Grif to distract the blues.

"Don't you remember the last time you sent him to distract command during a surprise inspection. He told them we were on the base doing last minute cleaning, because we all had cholera." said Simmons.

"Oh I remember that, they literally took a gallon of blood from me and I was out for a week, then when I woke up they gave me twenty shots."

"Wait a second, you guys better not just be sending me, so you can run off once I'm inside." said Grif.

"Of course not moron. Now hurry up."Once Grif went inside Sarge scooted everyone into the jeep. "Ok everybody in the jeep." Rogers jumped on the passager side of the hood. They were about to make their escape, but Grif came back.

"Hey Grif, what happen with the blues?" asked Rogers.

"You know, I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw, can I quit the army now. Seriously I think I've seen everything at this point."

"Trust me, I've asked if can I quit." said Rogers.

"But I mean they were talking to a bomb, and I think trying to calm it down I think." said Grif.

"You're kidding right?" said Donut.

"They were talking to the bomb." said Simmons. What Grif was describing was odd but Rogers once saw the rare space cow.

"Dude, I don't know. They mention something about candles and a bubble bath and they were playing some kind of new age CD. Like a Yanni fan club." said Grif.

"Dude what are smoking?" asked Rogers.

"Hey Donut you speak that crap, what does it mean?" said Sarge.

"Well my best guess they're sweet talking it to do something for them." said Donut.

"And that will work on a bomb?"said Simmons.

"It would work for me."

"Don't you see what they're trying to do?"

"Not at all." said Rogers.

"The Blues are obviously trying to coax the bomb into rearming. They're about to launch an attack, on us."

"Why would they do that do that?" asked Grif.

"Yeah I mean they have Tex she can kill us all right now before we hit the ground."

"I don't know, because they're blues. Somebody give this this kid the manual."

"Oh dear god." Rogers said rolling his eyes.

Back with the blues Vulcan helped Andy finally calm down. "So Andy you are not angry anymore."

"I already told your friends, Emma I'm not mad or explosive any more."

"Yes, we are all better now. We are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all anymore." said Caboose.

"Hey, are you talking about me?" asked Andy.

"What! Never, we were talking about Tex." said Vulcan.

"Are you sure. Caboose was saying we a lot and I think he really meant me."

"No we meant Tex." Church said jumping into the conversation.

"Excuse me?"

"If you haven't notice she kind of a mega-bitch." smiled Vulcan.

"Oh. Yes, we're talking about me." said Tex

"It sound like you're patronizing me."

"No really, it's me. I'm a bitch and I need to be calmed all the time." she said in a monotone.

"Or what happens?" asked a gleeful Church.

"Or else, I get so mad I kill people on my own team."

"Tell him about the moodiness and the crankiness." said Caboose.

"Also, mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep."

"Thats was you! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me." Caboose said almost crying.

"You got it lucky, she smothered me a few nights ago sleep." said Vulcan angrily.

"Wow she sounds like a real handful." laughed Andy.

"You have no idea." Vulcan said under her breath. Then gunfire and explosion happened."Son of a bitch."

Back with the red's Sarge was ranting on and on about how the the blues were trying to them. "Son of a bitch." Rogers said hearing the explosion. "Huh I guess you're right , but in some horrible twist of irony they blew themselves up."

"None the less we are going into battle." said Sarge.

"We're in battle." said Grif.

"Of course we are. Now get ready for your orders, Donut scream like a women."

"Can do. Aaaaaaaaah."

"Grif, prepare to sacrifice yourself to save me. Rogers be grenadier, Simmons kissass at will."

"You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man sir."

"Excellent work, incoming. Now everyone get out there specifically Rogers and Grif and remember because your bones are broken you still can stop bullets. If all of you survive medal for everyone, purple heart for Grif,Fireball for Rogers, Pink heart for Donut and Brown nose for Simmons. "

"Hey look look they stopped." Rogers said pointing to a group of Lopez looking bots.

"Hey um, let's use this to slip away." said Sarge.

"Great Idea sir." said Rogers. It was probably for the best to not fight an army of robots.

"Shotgun." said Simmons.

"Shotgun." Rogers and Grif said in unison. "Fuck."

"Shotguns lap." said Donut.

"Fuck."

"There's no room for five people. Someone or two people are going to have to jog alongside." added Sarge.

"I can sit on the passanger side of the hood. Just don't stop and go like you did last time." Rogers said angrily.

"I can jog along side." said Donut. "I just have to put on my jogging shorts." Everyone then loaded up in the warthog and made their way to the beach.

Back with the blues Vulcan was on guard shooting at the robots, She got hit in the shoulder and came back inside. "God that hurts." She said holding the wound. "At least it just plasma." Vulcan said taking off her left armor shoulder plate to reveal a first degree burn. Out in the distance she could see the reds escape in the warthog. Just then a robot came up taking it by surprise, before it could reached for its gun a creature came up and torn off its head and punched Vulcan in the face knocking her out cold.

Rogers held on for dear life as they raced passed plasma fire and rockets. Just they thought they were home free one of the robots began to follow them they had to slow down for Donut but stopped at the beach. "We're going too slow we have to leave someone behind." said Sarge.

"Not it." said Grif

"Not it." said Simons.

"Not it." said Rogers.

"What no way, You're leaving me behind!"

"Sorry Donut military law is very clear in regard in the 'not it' methodology of making designs."

"So yeah sorry Donut we'll remember you." said Rogers.

"Donut you hide here and when he passes shoot him in the face." said Sarge while he got back in the driver seat.

"How I'm I going to find you guys?"

"Follow the distress signal." added Simmons.

"But I don't have a way to track it." Everyone looked at each other and Sarge spoke up.

"Excellent point Donut." said Sarge, then he drove off.

"Do think Donut going to be alright?"asked Rogers.

"Probably." said Sarge turning on the radio.

"Hey guys we got something chasing us." said Grif. In the distance Rogers could see a moving purple

"Never mind." Just then the vehicle pulled up alongside the racing warthog.

"Donut you're alive!" yelled Rogers. "Where did you get that?"

"I'll tell you guys later." After an hour of driving they made their way to a the signal. They pulled up into a large cave. Rogers got up and stretched his legs then went over to Donut and listen to the story. Then he heard Grif screaming, Rogers ran to him and saw they were back in Blood Gulch.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Rogers yelled at the top of his lungs. He rather be in the scorching desert at least it feel like he was home at Vegas just less gambling.

Back with the blues Vulcan woke up with a massive headache but her burn patched up, she got up and found Church and Tucker surveying the destruction. "Vulcan where were you?" asked Church.

"At first I was fighting some of the robots and one of the dickweeds hit me. I took off my shoulder and a first degree burn, but then a robot caught me off guard, then something torn off its head then everything went best guees it was Tex"

"At least she on our side and only knocks us out." said Tucker.

"Who's on our side, wow who kill the robots." Tex said all surprised. Vulcan had a surprised look

"You did." said Tucker.

"No I didn't I've been down stairs trying to turn on this sword."

"Bow chicka bow wow."

"Tucker!" yelled Tex.

"Sorry. Just push the power button"

"I did."said Tex. "The sword won't turn on." Just then they heard Church scream. Vulcan dropped a robot part he was looking at and pulled out her tomahawk and gun.

 **A/N Thanks for reading and if you want to ask Vulcan or Rogers a question just do so in the reviews. At the end of part one I will do the full Q &A scene. Peace!**


	8. Chapter 8

"Hi everyone, Dan Rogers from Red vs Blue."

"And as always I'm Dick Simmons."

"We're here to talk you about the flu season, it's one of harshest seasons there even in blood gulch." sneezed Rogers.

"Now the winter months is when the flu hits the hardest."

"Now with all the terrible viruses and diseases out there you don't want to get. Like swine flu or zombieities you sometimes don't even know if you're sick."

"To help point out early warning signs is Medical officer Dufrane and help you know what to eat is celebrity chef Emma Vulcan."

"Thanks guys." said the unison.

"Alright well heres some common systems. Fevers, running noise, apocalyptic visions, evil the number six and maniacal laughter."

"That isn't flu symptom." said Vulcan.

"Trust me I'm a doctor."

"No your not." said Vulcan.

"Fine you do your segment." Doc said acting like a pouty child.

"It good to eat healthy and to overload on vitamin C."

"Whoa, whoa healthy?" said Grif.

"I have all of those." whimpered Caboose.

"No you don't Caboose." said Simmons.

"Actually he does." said Vulcan. "He got asian bird flu."

"How is that possible?" asked Simmons.

"I don't know."

"I can fly." Caboose yelled as he jumped off the plato.

"Now here's a few tips on how not to get sick. First keep a bunch of fluids keep clear of those who are sick or get a bunch of sleep." said Rogers.

"Yeah, you don't want to miss work or school." Rogers began to cough and sneeze.

"Looks like I have miss work." Rogers said in a fake sick voice.

"Looks like we got a outbreak." Sarge said raising his shotgun.

"Alright I'll get the vaccine and large needle." said Simmons. Rogers eyes widened as he began to run away."We got a runner!"

"Don't worry I dosed my buckshot with a vaccine." Sarge yelled as he fired his gun.

"God that hurts!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Old annoyance be forgotten**

"Ok Tucker hit it!" yelled Simmons.

"Alright." Rogers looked up and watched as the christmas light turned on and half of them suddenly burned out.

"I like it." smiled Vulcan.

"Oh come on half the light are burned out."

"That's not the Christmas spirit." said Grif.

"Christmas spirit? Christmas is about family, turkey not burnt out lights and Donut eggnog."

"That stuff is terrible." said Vulcan. "My stuff is better."

"Anyways shouldn't we be worried about our missing friend Church. Don't you remember last year."

"Miss Church. Those words seem impossible to put together." Vulcan said pondering.

 **Rogers Flashback**

Rogers was with his friends looking at the tree he had just finished decorating, when suddenly there was a gunshot destroying an ornament. "Sorry red's looks like your ornament broke." yelled Church. Suddenly he fired his gun again destroying another ornament.

 **Vulcan Flashback**

Vulcan was in the kitchen baking a gingerbread house. She took it out and went to the pantry to get some frosting an when she turned back and saw the gingerbread house destroyed."What the hell man!"

"What?!" Vulcan picked up a meat cleaver and chucked it at him. "Ha that didn't even hurt."

 **Now**

"Now I think about it probably better he isn't here." said Simmons.

"You think?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter four**

Rogers was back at Blood Gulch. After he then came acquainted with the base. When he got to his room he was surprised to see they everything was still there just dusty, he then went to the communal computer and look at his e-mail not surprising at all there was no new messages from any of his family just over a few hundred spam emails. He then left, to regroup with the rest of his team and saw that Grif was still screaming. "Is he still screaming?" Rogers asked Simmons.

"Yep"

"What has it been two-three hours."

"Yep."

"Rogers, help Donut get four sniper rifles." said Sarge.

"Yes sir. Come on Donut." They then took off.

"Crazy huh we're back at Blood Gulch."

"Yeah it is, I never really liked this place to tell you the truth."

"Me either."

"Well Donut, I would of rather lived at that god forsaken beach, I mean all I have here is bad memorys. I mean at the top of the base is where I got pushed and knocked out by Tex and chipped a tooth and in the armory I got shot in the foot and all they had for meds was a lollipop that Grif ate."

"That sucks."They got inside and went deeper into the base, Rogers waved away spider webs while Donut freaked out if a single string touched him.

Hey what was the pass code for the armory again was it 5-5-5 or 6-5-6."

" 5-6-7."

"Thanks." Donut said opening the armory door. They then got the sniper rifles and went back to Sarge.

"Good work boys." Sarge said taking a sniper rifle.

Back with the blues Vulcan just came back to regroup with her squad. "Where were you guys? Why didn't you follow me when that scream happened?"

"We just assumed that Church just got mad." said Tucker.

"Well I didn't find anything."

"What the fuck was that."Church said reappearing.

"Hey Church." said Tucker.

"Isn't anyone going to ask me what happened to your body Church?" said Church

"What happened to your body Church?" everyone asked in unison.

"Hell if I know, all I know is I was sitting there talking to Gary."

"Wait why did you make us ask what happened to your body then?" asked Vulcan.

"Wait is Gary the bomb?" asked Tex.

"No that's Andy, Gary the computer."

"I don't even know your names half the time." said Tex

"I know my name you can ask me if you forget, by the way he's Church."

"Yes anyway as I was saying-."

"He is the mean one."

"Thank you Caboose."

"See he is the mean one, now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking. Then when he think I stop talking then he will start talking again."

"Ok I was talking to Gary."

"See I told you so."

"God damn it!"

"Twenty buck says that he have a stress induced ghost heart attack." Laughed Vulcan.

"Anyway I was talking to Gary about the great destroyer, who I thought Tex was. And that's when I turned around and I saw."

"Saw O'Malley?" asked Caboose.

"No it wasn't O'Malley If you can let me finish, I'll tell you."

"Yeah Caboose shut up."

"Tucker you're interrupting too!"

"Me I'm just trying to punch up the storyline check this everyone I'm super horny from the robot killing." Tucker said impersonating Tex. "Hey Tex I super horrny too maybe I can take off your wet armor and I'll let you do what you want to me." Tucker said impersonating Vulcan.

"Church I'm going to kill him." Vulcan said with her eye twitching. But it seemed Tex beat her too it. "Tex may I please.?"

"Be my guess." Tex said lowering her battle rifle. Vulcan then punched Tucker in the gut and he shut up. "So what did you see?"

"I was a big thing."

"That's it! I wasted five minutes for that." said Vulcan.

"My story had big thing too."

"One more sex joke Tucker and I'll make you a women with my gun." yelled an angry Vulcan.

"This is all I know, it was slimy and had lots of teeth."

"Kinky."

"You have five minutes to run." Vulcan said loading her gun.

"What that wasn't even a joke."

"You two cut the shit, like I said I left my body behind it was dead weight."

"Well the body pulls it weight, you're the deadweight." said Vulcan.

"Is that some joke?"

"Ha some monster scared the crap out of Church."

"It didn't scare the crap out of him. It scared the soul out of him." laughed Tex.

"Oh it's Church." said Tucker. "His soul is made out of crap."

"He makes a point." smiled Vulcan.

"See even Vulcan agrees with me."

"Are you guys done making fun. Well for all I know it's in there chewing on my body."

"Well let's go get this big thing." said Tex. Vulcan then followed the group to where Church last saw the beast and while they're doing this Tucker was making sex jokes and doing his bow chicka bow wow wow's.

Back at red base it was Roger turn to shoot at the screaming dummy. He missed Grif just by a hair. "Hey you went out of turn." said Sarge. He then explained the very confusing line order. All Rogers could think of that this was better then watching his favorite team slipp space play Grifball. He just then took another potshot at Grif.

"Fine I'll come down." yelled Grif. Rogers couldn't it but he took a couple more shot at Grif. "Hey dick head I said I was coming down."

"Sorry didn't hear yeah." After Grif came back down Sarge then order the men to stand outside of red base.

"Alright we have to stay out sight and be prepared for anything."

"Sir?" Rogers said raising his hand.

"Yes Rogers?"

"You know that me and Donut went into the base and no one was there. I mean except rats, Grif's room house a horde of them."

"Or that what they want you to think. As I recall you went in there alone. Maybe you're a blue and we're walking into an ambush."

"No I'm Rogers." He said removing his helmet. "See this is the scar, the one i got when I had to help you build Lopez." Rogers said pointing to a scar on his left side of his neck.

"How did that happen?" asked Simmons.

"Apart of Lopez exploded and a metal part cut me." Rogers said putting back his fire red helmet.

"You know we might be in there." said Donut.

"What?"

"You know past version of ourselves."

"That not how time travel work and if it did we be 800 hundreds years old which mean we'd be dead."

"I could live to be 800 I'm on this awesome diet." Donut said bragging.

"I keep telling you Donut those fad diets don't work." said Rogers. He never like Donuts fads, first there was the no sugar, no acid then there was the purdie chocolate bars.

"Is it that high fat, low fiber, liquid diet which you only drink bacon grease." asked Sarge.

"Nah that was just a fad, I only eat foods that begin with vowels."

"What did you have for breakfast?" asked Rogers.

"Eggs and Oreos, and for lunch I'm having asparagus and oreos."

"I've been on that diet for years, I had no idea I was so healthy I even cut out all of the eggs and I don't even know what asparagus is."

"Shut up!" yelled Sarge. Just then a tank drove by while Sarge was talking and Rogers was now worried and Sarges rambling seemed a lot less crazy.

Back at with the blues Vulcan stood ready to kill the monster. "You guys ready?" asked Vulcan.

"Hell yeah." said Tex. She then began to walk forward and Vulcan followed. Tucker then made another joke and was sent up front. As they walked into the base Vulcan was overtaken by a chill.

"I got a bad feeling, and I think something's watching me."

"You're just paranoid which is good in this case." said Tex. "Now get up there." As she slowly walked, she then heard some yelling she rushed up there to see the horrible beast and shot at it and ran back down frightened of what she saw. It wasn't like she seen before.

Back at red base Simmons told Sarge what he saw and Sarge treated him as if he was crazy. "Hey Rogers saw it so did Donut and even Grif." said Simmons.

"Donut impressionable, he'd agreed with anything you said. Hell he'd eat a spoon full of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate."

"That's not true is it?"

"Yeha Donut you should try." laughed Rogers. He watched Donut take off his helmet and shoveled a spoonful of dirt in his mouth.

"Oh god I ate a worm."

"Hahaha."

"What about Rogers?" asked Simmons.

"What about him?"

"He saw it."

"I don't know. I could of been seeing things I could have FTS. Future traumatic stress and saw what I wanted to see or the suits are leaking again and I'm hallucinating." Shrugged Rogers.

"Grif?"

"I'm with Rogers you might have FTS."

"No I don't. You just said that it."

"FTS." said Grif.

"Grrrrr."

Back with the blues Vulcan was with the squad waiting outside the gate while Church ranted on about his body and the alien. "Church hows about we stop bitching and start shooting that thing. We now know what to expect."

"It not that simple besides I could have taken him out if I hit I hit him a few more times." BItched Church.

"A Few more times?" said Tucker.

"I shot him like a couple times."

"I don't know I mean you're a pretty lousy shot. You also have a ghost gun."

"I'm with the broad here." yelled Andy.

"Fuck you Andy!"

"You hit nothing but the wall." said Tex.

"How would you know. You were running away."

"This is a long range weapon I have to be at a distance to use it properly."

"No you were running away." said Vulcan.

"Screw this. I work better alone." She then gave the group the middle finger and ran off towards the base.

"Tucker."

"Yeah Vulcan?"

"Twenty bucks says she kills the beast."

"Deal." Not even a minute went by before Tex came back as a ghost. "Pay up." Vulcan gave Tucker a glare as she got out a twenty dollar bill and gave it to him.

Back at red base, Rogers waited for Donut to let him drive the purple alien motorcycle. "Come on dude you have for twenty minutes." Rogers whinned as if he was a child.

"A few more minutes." Donut said driving off.

"It probably not fun anyways." he said walking off. He then over heard Sarge appoint Grif as his second in command. "Really Grif?" Rogers said over radio.

"Would you like to be second in command and have Simmons responsibilities?"

"No thanks weapons maintenance and inventory is good enough for me."He then saw Simmons come up to Sarge and Grif. "This is going to be fun."

Back with Blues, Vulcan and her squad were coming up with ideas on how to kill the alien. "Hows about we tape all of our grenades together."

"Vulcan, that didn't work when we tried it on the reds I doubt it will work now." sighed Church.

"Maybe Caboose should try talking to him." suggested Tucker.

"What would I say."

"Start on common ground like how you both killed Church."

"I actually like that idea." said Church.

"Really?" said Vulcan.

"Think about it. While our ambassador is either, A, eaten by the alien or B, digested by the alien you and I can sneak back and get our bodies." Caboose then made a gleeful squeal and ran off into the base.

"So do you think Caboose is going to die?" asked Vulcan.

"Probably." Then there was a scream. Vulcan held her breath as she ran towards it.

Back at red base Rogers just finished being the prison guard for Simmons. "You are hereby order to say two hundred yards for the red team at all time. Guard escort him off the property."

"What this is bullshit! Get your hand off of me. The tank was real it was real!" Simmons yelled at Rogers dragged him away. He then threw him and ran back to base.

"Sorry dude order are orders." Yelled Rogers when he got he heard Sarge say he was holding auditions for second in command.

"Rogers since you were escorting Simmons you will be in the contest."

"Alright so I'm against Donut."

"No you will be competing against Donut, a wrench and a skull."

"This is just weird. So what's the first contest?"

"An obstacle course with alligators."

"Welp nice knowing you Donut, because you'll be crushed."

"Hey I was suppose to be the one with great insults."

Back at with the Blues, Vulcan and Tucker were sneaking into the compound. "Are sure about this I mean it's Caboose." said Tucker.

"Yeah I know we just need to see if he's in trouble or if he swallowed his tongue again." As they snuck in they smelled something rancid. As they went further she saw Tex and Church talking to the alien."Shit that thing smells like week old dirty gym shorts top with rotting fish that was left in the sun for a month."

"Vulcan this my friend he has a cat named apples."

"Good to see your alive Caboose."

"Cool so it speaks English."

"Blagh blagh honk."

Back at red base Roger was laying on the ground exhausted of Sarge's contest. He just finished the talent part with juggling chainsaws he he quit because he tired of the nonsense. "Alright it's the third round of the contest and we only had one disqualification Dan Rogers. Rogers was leading in the obstacle course but lost and quit after his chainsaw juggling nearly cut off his foot which Donut took the lead. But then the skull took the lead in Q&A session."

"How was that even possible?" asked Rogers.

"Now Donut and the skull are tied and with the wrench in third place. next round evening wear."

Back with the blues

Vulcan was sitting doing basic maintenance on her gun. "Hey Caboose have any extra bullets?" asked Vulcan.

"Here you go." Caboose said handing Vulcan a pack of crayons.

"Can I see your gun." Caboose then handed his gun to Vulcan she unloaded it and found it full of crayons. "Hey Tucker look at this."

"What is it?"

"Guess what. Caboose gun was loaded with crayons."

"That's odd but give me an idea."

"Hey Tucker where is Church?" asked Caboose.

"He's trying to find a translator." said Tucker.

"I don't understand and I'm scared."

Back at red base Sarge was just about to announce the winner. "And the winner is...Donut."

"So what now we sent half the day playing games."

"Well if it isn't oveus we must rebuild red base and watch out for the evil mutant cyborg Simmons before he tries to kill us all!" Rogers sighed and spoke up.

"I'll take inventory weapons and food."

Back with the blues Vulcan was trying to teach the alien english with Caboose. Which felt more like trying to teach them both. "Jerkwad, jerkwad." she said pointing to Tucker who was trying to open a pack of crayons. "Let's start with the alphabet. Caboose you sing it while I talk to principal Church."

"What are you doing?" sighed Church.

"Teaching the alien and seems like Caboose english also." She said pointing to alien.

"K L M 46 Z." Sung Caboose.

"I think it's coming along nicely. Caboose now knows A is the first letter. So have you open the crayons yet?"

"No."

"Just use your sword." suggested Church. Tucker then activated the sword and the alien jumped up.

"Alien we talked about this. No biting." It then began to beat up Tucker kicking him and pistol whipping him. "Should we help him?"

"Nah."

Back at red base Rogers sat on the couch snoozing. "Rogers."

"Yeah Sarge." Rogers said dazed.

"I need you to on the lookout for Simmons."

"Sir he's as harmless as a puppy. I don't think we to look out for him."

"Just do it."

"Fine." Rogers grabbed his SMG and went topside. There was nothing, just Grif and Donut but then the tank was firing at the base. Rogers duck behind a large metal crate . "I guess Simmons wasn't crazy."

Back with the blue, Vulcan was watching as Tucker was getting beat up. "Help me ow."

"Can't Church tried to get it off but it's too strong just play dead."

"Vulcan get over here." yelled Tex She got up and came over towards Tex.

"What is it?"

"I found a way to translate what the alien is saying."

"Cool now we can get it to stop attacking Tucker."

"Why? So you can french him some more?" Laughed Andy.

"It was once and I was drunk! Besides at least I can kiss a guy. You can't make it with a japanese robohooker."

"Ouch."

"So what is going to translate the alien speech?" asked Vulcan.

"That would be Andy." said Tex.

"Crap."

"Thats right bitch. So say you're sorry or no go no the alien."

"I'm sorry Andy. My words were hurtful and I feel really bad."

"Apology "

"Wait I'm I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea." said Church.

"Church this is all we got."

"Yeah. But he's a bomb."

"You're a racist."

"Bombs are not a race."

"Shut up shisno."

"Screw it go for it." Caboose then pick the bomb and dropped it in front of the alien. "Andy tell him to stop hitting him."

"Alright. Blargh blargh honk honk." The alien then stopped hitting Tucker and Vulcan helped him up.

"God I'm going to die."

"Don't worry if you survived a rocket launcher without medical you can survive being beat up for two hours straight."

"Thanks. I guess." Tucker said rubbing his back.

"Basically he's pissed off."

"No shit." Vulcan said under her breath.

"He say's he came to claim some type of thing and the teal one took the thing. And the thing is gone."

"Wait by teal do you mean Tucker?" asked Vulcan.

"Ya."

"That thing must be the sword. And it's right there."

"He says it only works for the hero who passes a trial at windmill and retrieves it from its resting place."

"Really?" said Vulcan.

"Yes really, now stop with your commentary."

"Alright. Geeze."

"Now you have to go with him and fulfill a prophecy."

"Fuck you." yelled Tucker.

"Ya well he's not too thrilled about it either."

"Sorry I'm not going."

"And if you don't go he'll destroy the base and kill everybody here." Everyone stood in silence of a minute before Church spoke up.

"Well have fun."

"Hey a quest, sounds fun." said Tex. After ten minutes of packing the alien began to describe where they'll be going.

"So we'll cross the burning plains, then the freezing plains."

"This is so dumb, i'm not doing this."

"News flash you don't have a choice."

"Ya you did pick up the sword." said Vulcan.

"Ya well I'm used to picking up things and not letting them get attached. I'm talking about women."

"Barely." said Vulcan.

"Don't worry we're not sending you all alone," said Tex.

"You're coming with, Tex?"

"Me? Hell is the first thing you dipshits have done that's actually sounds dangerous."

"Well I'm not going with Church." said Tucker

"Well I not going either."

"NO FUCKING WAY." Tucker said looking at Caboose.

"Don't worry I going too." said Vulcan. She always wanted to on a quest.

"Oh, I hope we meet a cleric along the way. None of us knows how to heal." said Caboose.

"Blarg."

"He says he's a healer." said Andy.

"Cool." said a gleeful Vulcan.

"Not really they eat their wounded." Vulcan face then turned to a horrid look.

"Welp I'm out."

"Sorry V. But you said you go."

"STFU Church." she said giving him the middle finger.

"UM ok, Tucker is the fighter, Chrunchbite is the healer, Vulcan is the apprentice mage and I'm the powerful intelligent wizard Morphumax."

"What am I?" asked Andy.

"You're the good looking and stealthy archer."

"HAha."laughed Vulcan.

"Well I'm going to fucking die." said Tucker.

Back at red base Rogers was standing behind cover while the tank and Simmons attacked. "I bet the blue's never had to deal with a team killer."

"Rogers go out there and draw Simmons fire." yelled Sarge.

"Look out." Rogers said tackling Sarge when a tank shell landed in the base and destroyed Sarge's chemistry set.

"Get off me." Sarge said pushing Rogers off. "I'm going out there to talk to him." Rogers nodded and went topside to look what was going on. Seeing that Simmons painted himself blue he ran down to the mess hall and made himself some popcorn for the show.

Back with the blues, Church was saying his goodbyes, Vulcan wasn't really listening but she was happy, Church was a terrible fighter, but then again they do need some for Caboose to kill. After a minute they began their journey, she turned on her Helmets playlist and the first song that played was some indie rock song she got for free.

Back at red base Rogers was with Sarge watching Simmons take Grif prisoner. "So Sarge we going to rescue Grif?"

"Why?"

"He's a fellow trooper." Sarge gave him a confused look and Rogers just sighed. "Never mind."

Back with the blues, After an hour or so Vulcan and her group came across the 'Burning plains' it wasn't impressive the area just looked like the area was napalmed a hundred years ago. Andy said that there was a creature in the area. Vulcan looked and saw the area was just a smoldering crater with a rock. THey then jumped down to face the beast but nothing was there. "Is it invisible?" asked Vulcan.

"No. Thats it, its already dead." The group looked and saw a cow skull.

"A cow? Didn't we run it over or something?" said Vulcan.

"I think so." said Tucker.

Back at red base Rogers was still with Sarge spying on Simmons. "How's it going guys?" Donut asked over the radio.

"Boring."

"Well, Simmons has had Grif for too long. He's probably torturing him."

"Like giving him a shower." said Rogers. After a minute Donut began to voice what should change around the base, so Rogers turned off his radio. But then Sarge shook him. "Ya Sarge?"

"We're going to have to rescue Grif."

"Sir yes sir." Rogers then holstered his gun. They then began to run towards the base. As they got closer Rogers saw that the area had no defences. "Well this is going to easier then I thought."

"Or maybe Simmons is waiting for us. Nah, Simmons is probably just busy torturing Grif."

"Weee."

"Sounds like Grif. It also sounds like he's having fun."

"Clearly Grif has become so stupid he's mixed up the yells for pain and fun." Rogers and Donut then walked in. They then saw Grif running around and Sarge then knocked him out.

"Sarge why did you do that?"

"Uh."

"Never mind." Rogers then quickly dragged Grif outside and ran up to Sarge to find he was knocked out then also, everything went black for him.

Back with the blues, After hours of walking Vulcan was ready to collapse, they found themselves in a swamp. She was just glad that they were setting up camp. She took off her helmet and pulled out a sleeping bag. She took a quick rest before Caboose shook her awake. "What is it Caboose?"

"Andy is about to tell us the plan. Alright I'll go wake up Tucker."

"No!" whispered Andy. Vulcan got out of her sleeping bag and walked over to the group

"So, what's the plan?"

"Simple. We are going to use Tucker as bait. Then beat the shit out of the monster."

"Alright." They then waited for about ten minutes. Tucker woke up but Vulcan and everyone else stayed quiet. Then a figure came out of the shadow and the alien jumped it.

"Get off of me." said Tex. She then began to rant on how she was going to 'help' but Vulcan ignored it. She then began to yawn.

"Hey guys can we stop yapping and start napping we got a long day ahead of us."

"Yay the alien say that's a good idea." said Andy. Vulcan took off her helmet and went back in the sleeping bag. After a few hours rest she was awoken a some twigs snapping and saw it was it was some large fox looking creature it hissed and ran away. She then layed down and tried to sleep but was unable to so she started a cooking fire and boiled water and made pancakes. Caboose was the first awake once he smelled the pancake.

"Vulcan made pancakes!" he yelled waking everyone else up.

"Really you're making pancake." said Andy.

"Hey don't knock it. Vulcans an alright cook." Tucker said taking Caboose plate."

"Vulcan he took my pancake." Whined Caboose.

"Don't worry I'll make you one with chocolate chips and Tucker's with raisins." Vulcan said humming.

"What's wrong with her." asked Tex.

"She's happier when she cooks." said Tucker. After everyone was fed they made their way to the freezing plains. After a day or two they finally reached the freezing plains.

"You know that alien gives me the creeps." Tucker said pulling everyone to the side. "He stands over while I sleep."

"It probably nothing the only person you have to worry about is Tex." Andy then called for them and they saw the temple. Andy explain what Tucker had to do, but Tex left instead. "She crazy you know."

"Hey as long as she doesn't beat the shit out of me I don't care."said Tucker Vulcan watched as Tex turned invisible. She sat down and watched as Tex made her way into the temple. She then notice something.

"Its those idiots again, the flagites."

"Man, I hate those guys." said Tucker.

"Tex told us to be quiet." whispered Caboose.

"We're 300 yards away I doubt that they can hear us."

"I think I hear something." said a Flagite. Vulcan looked at Tucker and made the be quiet jester.

"It was probably Tex." said a not so sure then they heard the flagite screaming. "What the fuck are they deaf." Then a sniper round came towards Tucker. "That you heard?" Tucker then gave the middle finger before taking cover. Vulcan shot a a close Flagite before Tex took her kill.

Back at red base, Rogers found himself outside of red base with Donut waking everyone up. "What happened." said a groggy Rogers.

"I'll tell you once everyone is up. Now help me carry Grif and Sarge."

"Or I drag sarge while you drag Grif."

"Ok." After five minutes of dragging and not even being half way to the base Grif and Sarge woke up and Donut told the three what had happen. Rogers didn't believe any of it but he out right didn't care at this point. As long as he's alive, that's all that matters. Rogers rubbed his head and waited for Sarge's next orders but he went over to Grif.

"So what do you think happened?" Rogers asked Grif.

"I don't know and I don't head fuckin hurts and that I'll I care to know."

Back with the blues, Vulcan was hiding near a rock while she took fire from the flagites. She fired her gun at them but was still pinned down. Just then she saw the purple plane take off. She regroup and the doged to see that the alien was aiming for the flagite. Just then a stray rocket hit the plane. "Shit."

"Tex."

"Wyoming."

"Connecticut."

"SHIT!" The man in the white armor ran off and Tex followed him. "You know I think we should leave." Vulcan said pointing to a group of flagites rushing towards them.

"Agreed." Caboose and Tucker said in unison. They then took off, grabbing Andy. They then trekked their way back to Blood Gulch.

Back at red base, Rogers sat atop of Red base looking at the valley with Donut. He was looking out for Simmons and the Tank. "Hey." said Rogers.

"Yeah."

"You ever wonder why we're here."

"Because Sarge built a bomb and sent us forward in time."

"Oh right thanks." Just then Rogers watched as a poorly painted man came walking up.

"Halt. Who goes there?"

"Donut, Rogers it's me."

"Hey you need?" asked Rogers

"II want to talk to Sarge. I just found out some info. Wait why am I answering your questions?"

"Hold it." yelled Donut.

"What your problem?"

"Sarge told me and Rogers not to let anyone in the base and I'm pretty sure anyone means the enemy."

"I'm not the enemy."

"You attacked us with the tank." said Rogers.

"Besides your blue. There's kind of a theme here, you're blue, I'm red."

"More like pink."

"I have a gun." Donut said cocking it.

"I only dressed like this to trick the blues."

"You helped them." yelled Rogers. "You could've kill me."

"I also fooled them."

"You knocked me out."

"Once again to fool the ask Sarge, Grif, hell even Rogers."

"Yeah I know it's you and I'm not letting you inside the base." said Rogers. Just then Sarge came rushing in.

"What's going on."

"The enemy is trying to get inside sir." Said Rogers.

"Where behind Simmons?" asked Sarge.

"Simmons is the enemy!"

"Oh yeah. Scram blue."

"But I have valuable info about the war."

"You're a traitor!" yelled Sarge. Simmons shook his head and sighed.

Back at blues base, Vulcan could see Blue base and was a little excited. She then rushed down and got a closer look. It wasn't much but it was kind of like home. "I glad to be back."

"Hey guys how's it going?" asked Church.

"Meh." said Tucker.

"Tex."

"Gone."

"Alien."

"Dead."

"And the quest?"

"Failed."

"I really didn't need to ask the question did I."

"I wouldn't say failed. But these guys screwed it up royal." Said Andy.

"What? We didn't do anything."

"Exactly. Tex did all the work and you got the alien killed."

"Hey you don't have to be rude."

"Shut up Vulcan." yelled Andy.

"Well is Tex ok?" asked Church.

"Probably." said Vulcan. "She going after what's his face. Wyoming that's it Wyoming."

"What why didn't you tell me this."

"Isn't this what she usually does."

"Beside we just got here." said Tucker.

"You could've just told me about Tex instead of your stupid failed quest."

"I won't say failed."

"Shut up!" yelled Vulcan. She then went inside and went to her bunks. She was happy to everything was still there just a little dusty. She went under her bed and pulled out a stash a twinkies. "Thank god these things can last forever." she said taking a bite out of it. Tucker then came in mourning.

"Can I have some I'm so hungry."

"NO! Get the hell out."

"Fine." She then heard Church call for her.

"What is it."

"Do you know what's wrong with Tucker?" asked Church

"No, he throwing up, moaning and really hungry. These seems like normal Tucker behavior."

"Well, just to be safe stay out here until we find out what's wrong with him."

Back at red base

Simmons was still trying to gain access to red base. "Do you guys want the info or not?"

"So no blues in the reds clubs." laughed Rogers.

"Ya man. Reds rule." yelled Donut. "If we let you we'll have to let in girls."

"And if we did we just be talking about reality Tv and cloths." said Grif.

"You just ruined my point dude." sighed Donut.

"The blues might stage an attack." said Simmons.

"With what a run down tank and badly painted traitor." laughed Rogers.

"Tell you get off all the blue and I'll let you inside the base."

"Done." Rogers couldn't believe his eyes Simmons got off all the blue paint in a blink of an eye. "So can I come in?"

"Fine." Sighed Roger. "Riddle me this how did change so fast."

"I'm shy."

"That explains why you where your underwear in the shower."

"I also only use the bathroom at home."

"TMI . Wait actually one more test you have to tell us the Password."

"Password."

"Damn it. Alright but Grif will escort you in I have given him orders to shoot."

"Wait why me."

"Because I said so,"

"Not a valid answer."

"Do it or i'll delete all of your show on the DVR. Starting with food sluts."

"Damn you." Grif then hopped down and left with Simmons.

Back at blue base

The guys fed up with Tucker and asked Andy if he knew what was wrong with Tucker. "Andy, what happened to Tucker on this little adventure."

"Yeah, he eats all my twinkies." said an annoyed Vulcan

"Not to mention he's moody as hell."

"How should I know? He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's sick from Vulcans pancakes." Laughed Andy.

"You leave the pancakes out of this."

"Alright, alright you two break it up. Now did he come across anything weird like plants or animals or the flu hell even porn stars?"

"Oh ya I forgot to mention. We invaded a secrete biological warfare lab run porn stars. Tucker licked all the petri dishes , even though we told him not to. Then he got thirsty so he drank everything in the test tube." Vulcan glared at Andy then he spoke again. "Oh come on you're surprised he's sick, I never seen the guy wash his hands, not once. One time I saw him pick his nose at the pay phone."

"He's not wrong." said Vulcan.

"Hey I'm just worried if this stuff contagious."

"Aren't you dead and also a robot?Why do you care."

"Hey I will have to look after you guys and that won't be fun."

"Hey I'll run clean up. 10 megaton tops."

"That will kill Tucker...I say go for it."

"Andy no. But you can't get sick so you go in tell us what's wrong and deal with the situation."

"Sorry but I go in I go boom. Now if you want a medical diagnosis go see a doctor."

"What did you just say."

"Go see a doctor. Do you want me to say it slower?" Church then turned his head to Vulcan and Caboose.

"Church no." said Vulcan.

"Vulcan give me your phone."

"Fine but I have limited minutes." Vulcan then pulled a old flip phone from her pocket and handed it to Church. Church called Doc and gave the phone back to her.

"Why do you have a flip phone anyways?" asked Church.

"Long story short I blew a lot of money on stocks and this was all I could afford after it." Vulcan and Church then went topside to wait for Doc. After an hour of playing uno with Caboose, Church spotted Doc in the distance and fired a couple of 'warning shots'.

"All right hold it right was a warning shot O'malley. Make any sudden moves and the next one go through your visor."

"Was it really a warning shot?" whispered Vulcan.

"No I was actually trying to hit him."

"I knew it you created this elaborate scheme to get us over here."

"No, not really we just need you to see what's wrong with Tucker."

"But first some ground rules." yelled Church.

"I'm not very big on rules." yelled O'malley.

"Yeah we notice." yelled Vulcan.

"Yeah, we have this system where we each clean on different days but I end up doing it." said Doc.

"Hey Doc I still see you're still swimming in that head somewhere too."

"You know I swear they're like a real life odd couple." said Vulcan.

"Now we are not." yelled O'malley.

"Why can't we just get along?" said Doc.

"Well don't get the idea of jumping into anyones heads. We turned off our radios, this is how it going to work. You're going to come in, you're going to take a look at Tucker,tell us what's wrong and leave."

"Hmm what do we get?" asked O'Malley.

"What do you want and I should warn you that Tex is not here."

"So what do you think they're going to ask for?"

"I don't know but they're about to talk so be quiet." whispered Church.

"We want something from you, but we're not going to tell what it is until we need it."

"That's bullshit we'd rather let Tucker suffer then do that." yelled Vulcan.

"Vulcan."

"Yeah?"

"Let me handle this."

"Also a $20 co pay fee is standard."

"Alright, fine."

"We want the $20 up front and in cash."

"Fine whatever. Caboose give me $20, no wait 30." Caboose pulled out his money.

Back at red base

Rogers was leaving base with Sarge, Grif and Simmons to Blue base. Rogers was still upset about Simmons being back in the squad. "Double time men." yelled Sarge.

"Why are we running again?" asked Rogers barely breaking a sweat.

"From Simmons intel the blues have reconnected contact with their command. They could be receiving reinforcements as we speak or even giving them new technology."

"Or there command been giving them the same generic order ours always gives us."

"Whats up with that? You know I swear it sounds like a pre-recorded message."

"That's what I wanted you to hear. When I talk to red command the intel they give us is vital."

"Like what?"

"Like where blue base is and the number of soldiers they got."

"Don't we tell them that though?" said Rogers.

"Yes command but command processes the raw data and gives us the key data not to mention the plans for the turning point in the I kept in Lopez."

"Or maybe reinforcements like Donut because he help so much." Laughed Rogers.

"Since you mention it where is Donut." said Sarge.

"He's over there talking to a rock." said Rogers.

"Grif, Rogers get intel on that rock ASAP. You'll need to go on recon set up a listenin-" Sarge was then cut off when Grif began to speak.

"Or I can just look through the scope. And it looks like he's talking to Lopez."

"Alright men get over there tripple time." yelled Sarge. Sarge began to run and the rest of the group followed. After a couple of minutes of running they made their way to Donut position. Donut!"

"Yes?"

"Where did you him?"

"Right here."

"How you talking to him? Do you speak english now?" asked Simmons.

"No."

"I took four years of Highschool Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language."

"What you two been talkin about?"

"Oh this and that, I asked for his name, where the bathroom was that kind of stuff."

"Ask him about the secret plans I stored on him." Donut nodded and spoke. Rogers doubted what said was what Sarge asked him to say.

"Looks like he's not talking."

"Lucky for us I built an over ride code just for this event. Lopez give me access to priority delta one." Lopez responded and Sarge spoke again. "Access code is access code." Then a message began to play in Spanish.

"What the Fuck?The kid sounds like Vic."

"This sound like Vic JR."

"Wait how did Vic have kids? I thought he had a vasectomy." Rogers turned his dead to Donut. And the message ended.

"Grif." whispered Rogers."I bet my bottle of scotch that this is just another generic message."

"Probably it is."

"Alright it's settled we'll steal the blues translating bomb." Before Rogers could respond the remark made by Sarge the group was taking off.

Back at blues base

Church was showing around O'malley while she kept a close eye on him at distance. She felt uneasy due to the fact that O'malley was near Andy. But O'malley left to see Tucker and a couple of minutes latter. Doc came up. "Ok everybody I'm going to give Tucker his physical now. Would either you like to assist?" asked Doc ever so kindly.

"That's just a fancy way of saying hold the vomit bucket." Laughed O'malley.

"Sorry I'm busy." said a nervous Church.

"Vulcan, Caboose?"

"I think it's my time of the month so yeah."

"I'm allergic to gross thing." Caboose said with a fake cough.

"Ok, bye."

Back with the reds Rogers was sitting on rock while Sarge looked at blue base with the sniper rifle. "What'cha you find sir?" asked Rogers.

"You won't believe but the blues have teamed up with O'mealley. Those dirty back stabbers."

"Isn't O'malley our enemy too?" asked Rogers.

Yes. No good two timers. Alright men let's get in there and acquire that translator so we  
can figure out the message." Sarge then looked down the scope. "Alright I see the bomb it's next to Caboose."

"Which one is Caboose again? Is he the stupid mean one, stupid bitch, stupid annoying or stupid stupid." asked Grif.

"Stupid stupid." said Simmons.

"Hey Sarge since we can see them with a sniper rifle, why can't we just shoot them." said Donut.

"A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. Hand to hand is a true soldier's weapon."

"Alright what's the plan sir?" asked Rogers.

"You guys stay here while me and Lopez steal the bomb." Sarge then left grabbing Lopez's head.

Back at blue base, Vulcan was waiting outside with Church for Doc to come back. After an hour Doc had come back. "Guys I figured out what's wrong."

"What is it Doc?" asked Church,

"You're not going to like the diagnose." said Doc.

"Well what is it?" asked Vulcan.

"Your friend is-.

"Dying?" said Caboose.

"How do I say this? Your friend is."

"Why did you pause?" asked Vulcan

"Just for dramatic effect. By the way he's pregnant."

"Wait, what?" Vulcan and Caboose said in unison.

"No really what's wrong with him?" Church said disbelief.

"No it's true, we found two heart beats. Unless he has two hearts he's pregnant."

"How is that even possible? I'm just going to shoot Tucker."

"No 're going to stay here and help him."

"What?" said Church.

"No one's ever seen this before and with heart and determination we can get him though this."

"We'd rather have an actual doctor."

"Fine come this for yourself."

"Alright." sighed Church.

"I think I need to stay here and guard this rock. From Tucker because I'm pretty sure that's how all of this started."

"What's wrong Caboose?" asked Vulcan.

"What if Tucker is contagious. I do not want get pregnancy."

"No one is pregnant and Caboose when this is done Vulcan and I are going to read a book that will explain this."

"I'd like that." Church then left and Vulcan followed.

Back with the reds

Sarge came back with the bomb as plan. "That's how you do it." bragged Sarge.

"Where's Lopez?" asked Simmons.

"I pulled the old switcheroo. Just like Indiana Jones, they never know." Rogers smirked, he was going to let Sarge figure it out on his own.

"You swapped Lopez for the bomb. permission to speak insultingly, sir."

"Permission denied. You're just jealous that you-. Damn it!" Sarge then ran and came back with Lopez a few minutes later

Back in blue base, Doc kept trying to convince Church and Vulcan was pregnant. "That's impossible last time I check Tucker was a dude." said Vulcan.

"But my gizzmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy."

"I thought it lit up green to indicate flesh wound and infectious disease."

"It lights up green for just about everything, see this green indicates high levels of anger stemming from repressed feelings of inadequacy."

"If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm going to fucking smash it."

"And this green indicates high levels of stress from the feeling of anger and annoyance." Doc said point the medical gun at Vulcan.

"He was spot on." shrugged Vulcan.

"See these tools can be confusing sometimes. That's why doctors have to go to school for so long, not that i'm a doctor."

"That's for sure with this conclusion." said Church.

"What conclusion." said Tucker.

"Congrats Tucker you're pregnant."

"It's not mine. I wasn't even in town that weekend."

"Tucker don't listen to him, man. He's a lunatic, he doesn't know what he's talking about." Just then Caboose came in screaming.

"Doctor help! My second best friend is dead."

"Caboose who's dead?" asked Vulcan.

"Andy. He's dead look." Vulcan quickly backed away seeing the skull. "DR. Doc please help him."

"Uh, I really don't know what I can do."

"First Tucker dies now Andy."

"There there."

"Don't encourage him." said Church.

"Tucker isn't dead. He's pregnant."

"It's not mine!"

"You're not pregnant!" In the confusion Church left to the outside. Next thing she knew Doc told her to boil some water. She did but when Doc began to take off Tuckers armor and she ran and hid in her room. Hearing the screaming which would haunt her dreams.

Back with the red, Sarge came back with Lopez and Andy began to translate the orders. Not to Rogers surprise the orders were generic as ever. "Well that is not surprising." sighed Rogers.

"Tell me about it." Rogers then saw a blue out in the distance.

"I think I see the tank coming towards us." said Rogers. The tank just kept coming and Rogers stood his ground.

"You two are idiots." said Simmons.

"Kissass."

"Rogers is right." said Donut. Just then a tank shell came towards them and Rogers took cover behind rocks with the rest of his team.

"I told you so." Rogers told to Simmons with a smirk. Sarge barked his orders and Rogers jumped up after grabbing the extra annmo from Simmons and fired at the tanks but missing terrible. Simmons jumped up and yelled.

"Those were just warning shot. Now we'll give you one chance to surrender."

"Why would I surrender?" asked Church.

"Because you're out number." yelled Rogers.

"Good one." said Grif.

"Bullshit dude I got a with tanks are never out numbered."

"Unless you have a rocket launcher." yelled Rogers.

"Do you have a rocket launcher." yelled Church. "No." Church gave them the middle finger and fired another tank shell at them.

"Son of a bitch." yelled the entire squad.

"Look guys I don't mean to be rude, but I got a missing girlfriend, a guys who's pregnant and a idiot who thinks his pet just died, and our worst enemy is hang out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really don't have time for this horse shit right now."

"Did he just say a guy is pregnant?" asked Rogers. What Rogers just heard didn't make any sense.

"I'll check." said Grif. "What was that part about the pregnant guy again?"

"HE'S NOT PREGNANT!"

"Yeah unless the alien impregnated him." Rogers stopped and thought god how unlucky that guy must be. Then he heard screaming from the blue guy just then when it seem like nothing could get crazier a ship crashed down and crushed Donut.

"SON OF A BITCH." yelled Rogers. He couldn't believe that just happened.


	11. Chapter 11

**Gaming Psa**

"Hi I'm Emma Vulcan celebrity chef and famous web series actress."

"And I'm Dan Rogers who was waxing the floor when they need me to read lines."

"Now you may know about these things called 'video games'." said Vulcan.

"We will be civil when we talk about which game console to play, I will defend Xbox and Vulcan will defend Playstation."

"Now Xbox has some cool games like Halo."

"Ha-lo? What about Uncharted?"

"Uncharted, sucks."

 **Five minutes later**

Rogers took some cover while Vulcan shot at him. "Take it back, now!" yelled Vulcan.

"Never. Xboxites unit." Simmons and Lopez can driving in. They began to fire back at Vulcan.

"Playstation bot come forth."

 **Scene missing**

Vulcan couched up motor oil while Simmons laid unconscious while Lopez was torn in half. "That went to shit fast." Vulcan said getting back on her feet.

"Yeah, so people don't start a flame war in the comments."


	12. Chapter 12

**psa food**

"Hi I'm Emma Vulcan."

"And I'm Doc."

"We're here to talk to you about eating healthy." said Vulcan. "Now eating healthy is the most important thing a person can do, how else are any of you are going to survive and buy more novelty shit."

"Now fruits and vegetables are the best source of a healthy meal." Doc said happily.

"Or meat and red wine."

"You can make these meal fun, so me, Doc and Donut will judge the healthy food contest in Blood up is Sarge's Texas steak. Please tell us about it."

"I hunted and killed a bull with only bare hands, I cooked it to a rare, soaked it with red wine and added the rarest spice in the universe." The group took of their helmet and took a bite.

"I like it. That real grade A beef." smiled Vulcan.

"Was it cruelty free?" asked Doc.

"Um?"

"Moving on." The group went to Tucker. "So Tucker what did you make."

"I went on the internet and made jambalaya with organic vegetables and fish."

"It so hot." Donut said going for a glass of water.

"Donut no." yelled Doc. He gulped down the water and it was worse. After a minute he calmed down. Vulcan kept eating it as if it was nothing.

"What I'm a cook I've tried every spice there is." They move on to the next one where they saw Church and Lopez motor oil and bolts. "Moving on." They saw Donuts booth.

"You can't be a contestant and a judge."

"Come on, try my meatballs, the balls are big but you can fit them in your mouth." Vulcan sighed as she took a big bite.

"I like. But you are disqualified for bias."

"Aw." Donut said with tears. They moved to Caboose both which had a burn apple, Vulcan smiled as she ran away to Rogers's table, she found him smiling.

"I made whisky and beans, my grandpa made this with me when we played Cowboys back in las vegas."

"Sorry but you're out of the contest, Whisky isn't good for you." Rogers had an annoyed grunt when Vulcan and Doc, moved to Simmons and Grifs booth. They saw a 3D printer and a chocolate cake.

"Explain." Vulcan said crossing her arms.

"Using technological and thing that are delicious I made a star trek printer that prints food that is healthy and delicious." The cake began to move on its own, she slowly walked away from it.

"Alright everyone at blue base!" Vulcan yelled over a P.A. After a minute everyone was in place. "The winner of the first annual healthy cook off is-" Before she could finish Grif and Simmons were firing their guns and running towards them.

"The cake's a lie. Run the cake's gained sentience and has began to clone-" Before Grif could finish he was dragged away by a sausage-link monster. The group was began to fight back back the horde of monstrous food.

"Now this has been a RvB psa." She shot at the cake master mind. "PS this isn't a psa against GMO by the way."

 **Sorry it's been so long I've been writing a novel. A real novel one I'm going to try to go to a publisher.**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Five

At blue Base, After the screaming had stopped Vulcan left her room, one she left her room and she saw Tucker's baby. It looked disgusting and was attacking Caboose. Vulcan quickly ran away and bumped into Church. "Where you going."

"Away from this place." she said taking off.

"Get back over here."

"No." She then saw the ship in the middle of the canyon. She quickly left and went back to blue base but stayed outside due to the sounds of stuff braking. "Is it safe to come in?"

"Yes." said Church walking out of the base. Once he left Vulcan saw Caboose laying on the ground not moving.

"Is he alright?"

"Probably." shrugged Doc.

"I feel only pain."

"Don't worry Caboose just used his blood to feed the newborn. Do you want to help me teach it about the world."

"Help me."

"I'll stay here with Caboose."

Back with the reds. After the pelican crushed Donut, Rogers stood there freak out before shaken by Sarge. "Snap out of it son. I want you to check out the ship's tapping."

"What don't you hear it. There's a tapping coming from the ship." Rogers stopped and heard a faint tapping sound coming from the ship.

"Maybe it's Donut."

"So that's why I want you to piss off Donut so much he merely lifts off the ship. Or-" When Sarge began to yap about crazy ideas like clones, Rogers turned off his helmets mike so Sarge's voice was muffled. Sarge then began to run off and got into the warthog. Rogers turned on his mike so could hear again.

"What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?"

"Piss off."

"Yeah a ship just crashed on one of our guys." said Grif.

"What this ship?"

"No the other ship." said Simmons.

"Dibs."

"Huh?" said Rogers.

"Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now."

"This isn't the last slice of pizza you jackass. This is red army. I think." yelled Rogers.

"Yeah well it doesn't have any indications of which army so dibs. Now get the fuck away from my ship tomato can."

"I'm fire red!" yelled Rogers.

"Try to take it from me." said Church.

"Ok." Rogers said cracking his knuckles.

"Sheila." smiled Church.

"OK." The tank then aimed its guns at the squad.

"Motherfucker!"

"Now get away from it tomato can. You too lemonhead and grape boy." Just then there was the tapping noise again.

"What's that tapping noise? It sounds like moris code"

"Morse." said Simmons.

"Shelia if he corrects me again. Kill him." The tank then aimed at Simmons and Rogers took a couple of steps back away from the dead man. "Alright what does it say."

"It says tap tap tap. We don't know."

"We tried to find out but then you showed up." said Rogers.

"No when I showed up you guys were doing nothing like the last 50 times. Wait I think I know what it's saying. It says 'Red team sucks balls' hey look my new ship can talk, and it knows things."

"It's not your ship." said Simmons angrily. "We called it and it came. It landed on Donut."

"Oh wait the pink guy? I actually like him."

"You can't have the ship."

"I'm not asking for it. I'm taking it right Shelia."

"Actually I want it." said the tank.

"I think there's something wrong with the tank." whispered Simmons. "I have a plan."

"I rather not hear it. Every time we cross paths with that thing we get blown up. So no thanks." whispered Rogers.

"Rogers is right we just need to play it cool." said Grif.

"It malfunctioning."

"Hey it only takes one part to kill us." said Grif. Just then Sarge came up jabbering about a levitation ray. When Sarge saw Church he got really mad.

"What you doing here blue?" said Sarge.

"I'm just trying to find out what's wrong with the ship."

"Dibs!" yelled Sarge.

"Too late." Red team said in unison.

"Why do I leave any of you to guard anything?Everybody knows about the dibs protocol, and the no take-back accord."

"See guys it our ship." As Church kept talking the tank began to drive away. Once he turned around red team pointed their guns at him and began to walk away.

Back at Blue base, Vulcan stayed with Caboose as he laid on the ground, he was loopy but getting better. Church then came back. "Wheres Doc?"

"Doc left, taking the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like yesterday he was born." said a loopy Caboose.

"Well actually that's because he was born to today. No more than an hour ago."

"We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook."

"Hey V where's Tucker?" asked Church.

"Yeah he's still in a coma." said Vulcan.

"Great! Tucker's out, Vulcan playing Nurse, Sheila's on the fritz and Doc is babysitting. If we survive the next five minutes, I'll be surprised." Church then left.

"I'm so cold."

"I'll go get you a blanket." Vulcan left and went to the common. As she picked up blanket she saw Tucker slightly moving. She smiled and went back to Caboose. Once she got back she saw that Caboose was walking for a minute before falling again.

Red team was celebrating, for once that they didn't get blown up from the tank, but it was cut short when Sarge began to speak. "Quit your yammering. Now lets see if we can get this thing moving."

"So what our orders sir?" asked Rogers.

"We're going to enrage him to lift the ship. Now say something infuriating."

"Yo Donut, Grif drank all of your soap thinking they were soda. And I'm talking about the french soap."

"I trusted you to keep that secrete." yelled Grif.

"Good but I got something better. I read a magazine that said pink is the no longer the new black, and pink is old black which is now white."

"Oh I got one." said Grif. "It was Rogers who deleted your house wives of Mars not Lopez."

"Son of bitch." yelled Rogers. As Sarge gave up in defeat going to try something else the ship began to move. "Oh god he's going to kill me!"A minutes later Rogers calmed down. He quickly went back to the base to grab some drinks. "Hey Grif I got you a beer, Simmons?"

"No thanks." said Simmons. The ship then began to open and a person in yellow armor walked out.

"Hey is Grif here? asked the women.

"Sis?" said Grif.

"Grif, I didn't know you had a sister." said Rogers.

"Yeah isn't it cool." said the women.

"Go home!" yelled Grif.

"What?"

"Go home right now."

"Make me." yelled Sis.

"As much as I want to be lazy I not hesitate to beat you senseless."

"Dude you don't have to be rude." said Rogers.

"Yeah the hot guy has a point, besides I thought you would be happy to see me."

"How did you even get here? We're in the future."

"I might know how." said Simmons. "Did you use hyperdrive or light drive."

"Huh?"

"She probably used the light drive and as Einstein theorized in-"

"English." said Grif.

"When you travel near the speed of light time slows down. Pretty much she came forward in time by traveling at the speed of light."

"Who's the nerd?" asked Sister.

"Excuse me I not a nerd."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that."

"Alright but how did you join the army?" asked Sarge.

"What do you mean. All I did was sign up."

"But you're a-."

"Oh god." Rogers said to himself. When joined the army back in Vegas the boot camp there had a couple of squad that were just women, hell even the drill sergeant was a women, he thinks it's still weird that people are freaky about women in the glared at him but Rogers didn't care. Just then he heard her say that her mom was in the circus.

"Yeah she's the bearded and fat lady."Rogers couldn't hold it in so he bursted out laughing. Grif punched him in the shoulder.

"Wait she was the one tabbing so that means-." said Rogers.

"Yep. Donut has horrible crushed to death." said Sarge.

"So another trooper died?" asked Sister.

"What do you mean?" asked Sarge.

"Well the cool thing is that I was sent here because they said your commander died and I needed to replace the missing man." Rogers rolled his eyes at the comment, command is either stupid or just fucking with them.

"What? Our commander's not dead. I'm your commander."

"And a excellent one at that sir."

"Thank you Simmons."

Yeah your commander died, and one of the troops are going to be promoted and I was sent here to replace the missing troop."

"What's this about a promotion?"

"God I hope Simmons doesn't get that promotion." whispered Rogers.

"I know right."

"Are you sure command didn't make some kind of mistake."

"I don't know Sir. I thought you said command never makes mistakes. That must mean you're dead." said Grif. Rogers stepped away just incase Sarge was going to blow. To his surprised Sarge accepted his fate and ordered Rogers to dig a hole. Once he was done Sarge lied down and everyone spoke, first up was Simmons

Back at blue base. Caboose was back on his feet. Vulcan and Church got on top of the base to get a better look. "Alright I only see one other person down there. He's in yellow armor." Church then handed the sniper rifle to Vulcan she quickly looked and handed it to Caboose "V."

"Yeah."

"Isn't yellow a special ops."

"I'm not sure. Maybe." Armor color is rarely used to establish rank except for a few circumstances other than that it's usual armor build.

"Maybe he's a medic." said Caboose. As Church and Caboose talked about what he was Vulcan took the sniper to see that the reds were digging a hole and the Sergeant was lying down in it.

"What the hell." She then heard a noise behind her. She turned around and saw Tucker was in the land of the living again.

"What the fuck happened?"

"You got knocked up and got knocked out."

"I need to start working out to lose the baby weight."

"Yeah we all need to hit the gym especially a man in blue armor." said Vulcan.

"Yeah they seemed to let themselves go." said Tucker.

"Are you talking about me?" asked Church.

"I didn't want to say anything but yeah."

"Back off. I've been under a lot of stress. I had to carry this entire team."

"Where, the buffet?" said Tucker. "Anyway what's that big thing?"

"Church." said Vulcan.

"He means the ship! Bitch, The reds called in a ship and it landed in Donut, now they got a new soldier."

"So that way there's a chick over there."

"Really?" Vulcan said surprised.

"Yeah the one talking to Simmons."

"You have really good eyes." said Caboose.

"I have to, because I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle."

"Wait how do you know it's a girl?" asked Vulcan.

"Look who you're talking to." Vulcan rolled her eyes at his comment.

Back at Red base, Rogers had fallen asleep while Simmons spoke once he was done Rodgers woke up and took the stage. "I will never forget the first time I met our brave leader. Me, Grif and Simmons had just been dropped off by command. We came up to the base and he threaten to gut us and there was an explosion and something Grif."

"There was more to that sorry." yelled stepped down and Grif began to roast Sarge. After Simmons kick him off he began to talk again. But when Simmons campaigned for Sarges job Rodgers laughed ass off and didn't even listen to Sister speech. All he knew was that Sarge sighed and asked to be buried right away. Rogers got the shovel and quickly buried Sarge. This was bullshit, Rogers thought to himself.

"Well done and done." said Simmons.

"So when do you want to unbury Sarge."

"He's dead so never or when his real family wants the body." Rogers gave a Simmons a worried look, when he reach for the shovel Simmons raised his gun. He dropped it and went back to base.

Back with the blues. "So do you want to see your kid?" asked Vulcan.

"Ok." The group quickly left blue base and met up with Doc.

"Tucker good to see you again, here's someone who wanted to see ya." The tiny blood sucking alien came out from behind Doc's legs and stood there looking at his 'dad'. Vulcan left with Doc.

"It's nice isn't." Doc said looking at Tucker and JR.

"I guess. So I'm going back to base to cook some lunch want anything?"

"Anything vegan?"

"I got gravy, that counts right?" Doc shrugged.

Back at red base. Rogers was sitting inside with a beer when Simmons called for him. "Yeah kiss ass."

"I was going to put you as my second in command but for that ten laps around the base."

"Bite me." Simmons raised a taser and fired it. Rogers squirmed on the ground pissing himself. He was slipping in and out of concussion but what he heard next kind of surprised him. Sister was actually on blue team, after ten minutes he got up and sucker punched Simmons, he fell on the ground and set his jaw back in place.

"What the hell." Simmons said with pain.

"That for tasing me."Rogers said with a voice filled with then grabbed a shovel and threw it at Simmons feet." .Up." He watched as Simmons dug up Sarges. They didn't find anything except a large hole. "Go find Grif, I'm sore from that taser." Simmons nodded and Rodgers began to sit down. Grif and Simmons came back and Rogers got up back on his feet.

"Alright on the count of three we jump in the hole. One two three." Simmons and Grif jumped down but Rogers hesitated, he had a fear of heights.

"Sorry guys." Rodgers turned around but slipped and fell in the cavern. "Son of a bitch." He yelled as he was falling down. "Remember me as a heroooo."

Back at blue base, Vulcan was inside the base cooking macaroni and cheese then gun fire appeared. Vulcan stepped outside and saw Tex shooting at her squad she tried to go inside but a stray grenade landed in front of her. She ran away and regrouped with everyone. "Oh yeah I forgot to mention you V. This is-."

"Emma Vulcan, squads cook/trooper who's she?" asked Vulcan.

"Just call me Sister, Hey you sound like my ex-girlfriend." Vulcan then recognized the voice, it was the girl she had one date with and kept threatening to burn down her condo.

"Alright sis. Church why is Tex is shooting at us. Did Tucker say something."

"I don't know. Sis talk to her."

"Got it." Sister stood up and yelled "Stop shooting at us you dumb bitch." The bullets stopped and Church stood up to only be shot in the head and be a ghost(again). He then went back into his body. At first Churches body was messed up but it got straighten out, Next thing Vulcan knew Tex was aiming a gun at everyone. Vulcan raised her hands in the air.

"What's your problem?" asked Church.

"My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc. He's jumped into somebody new and no one leaves till we figure out who."

"We know that already." said Vulcan.

"Who did O'Malley jump into?" said a smug Tex.

"We don't know that. We were going to try to figure it out." Vulcan said all bitchy.

"Who's O'Malley?" asked Sister.

"An evil AI that want to rule the universe then destroy it."

"Don't worry Tex none of us are the tank been acting really weird a AI infect-" said Church.

"Who's the Girl?"

"Thats sister our new recruit." said Vulcan.

"So you guys went up and replaced me!"

"No um she's a-. I got to go." Vulcan said walking away.

Back with the reds, Rogers hit the hard ground. he got up stretched. "Shit that hurt."

"Shut up I'm going to try to radio in." said Simmons

"Grif you alright?"

"I'm fine this place is huge place could be crawling with bat." Shuttered Grif. The group then walked around. In that time Grif kept freaking out about bats, Grif then freaked Simmons out about snake. They then moved towards the light. It was quite for the most part.

"Who built all this anyways." Rogers then felt a sharp pointing thing in his throat and everything was like a tye dye dream then, black. Then a pink blob was standing over him it had the face of a demon and the body of a dog.

Back at blue base, Vulcan was in the base finishing up dinner when Doc and Sister came in. "Hey Vulcan can you go to your room I have to give sister a examine and I rather it only be me and her." Vulcan nodded and left to her room. She knew that she would be for a while so she did her bedtime routine a little early. She took off her top armor revealing her black hair and a black tank top. She cracked her knuckles and punched her punching bag. She shuttered because she thought someone watching her.

Back with the reds 20 minutes earlier."So Rogers what drugs are you taking?" asked Donut.

"I think someone drugged me."

"Excuses, excuses."

"Hey where's Grif." Rogers said rubbing back of his head.

"The people who drugged us must of taken him. Lucky I implanted a tracker on his armor."

"Thats messed up." shutter Rogers.

"It says he's right here." said Sarge looking over Simmons shoulders.

"No that's Rogers. This is Grif."

"What?!" This was outrageous, he would never watch people without their knowledge.

"Let's face it Simmons Grif is gone we have to move hand me my shotgun and lets go."

"I don't see it any where I think they took."

"Let's go get him." Sighed Sarge. Simmons was in the way, while Rodgers looked for the tracker.

"Simmons where the tracker?"

"I'm not telling."

"Wait found it. I wonder why there was a satellite dish in my helmet."

"Damit! Well on the brighter side Grif should be ov-"

"There's my shotgun. Excellent work, now to test it out on this disgusting repulsive orange blob."

"Wait that's Grif." said Simmons.

"Oh right good job men." Rogers and Simmons quickly help Grif to his feet.

"Grif do you remember anything?"

"Not much." Grif said rubbing his head. "Some bat creature were asking me questions. They want to know something."

"And they picked you." Simmons said disappointedly.

"Simmons this is hardly the time."

"No. I am the most intelligent here besides Sarge."

"Shut up."

"See Sarge they are needing a high because they been surfing the wave." said Donut.

"Shut up." yelled Simmons.

"I don't remember much. Just that they were talking about a sword and a kid."

"How much do you think is hallucinations." asked Rogers.

"Hard to tell."

"Wait the bomb was translating."

"The bomb doesn't sound crazy." said Simmons.

"You mean Andy." said Rogers.

"Yeah that it. We just need to find him." said Grif. They then left and went deeper into the caves till they came across a computer.

"What the hell?" Rogers said walking up to the computers. It was odd the computers showed the whole valley, even inside red and blue base. There wasn't much going on but when the camera switched to Vulcan in her room. He just stared at her black hair and snow like skin for a minute and in that time she was punching a punching bag.

"How come Rodgers get to look." said Simmons.

"Huh." When he looked back she left her room.

Back at blue, Vulcan left her room and was quickly brief by Church. She left the base and stopped at the hill. "I don't see anything."

"Alright Vulcan follow me. You two stay here."

"Ok." Vulcan said following Tex to Red base. Vulcan crouched and took cover when a sniper shot rang out. Vulcan looked around and saw that Tex got hit. She ran up and punched Church and quickly came back. Vulcan went inside the red base.

Back with the reds, Rogers looked on the monitors to see that blues had taken over. Sarge then gave a quick speech, which unlike most of his speeches it was kind of motivating especial with the flags and the sing. "I say we take blue base on ones in it." said Simmons.

"Yeah that sounds good." After a minute of deciding Sarge all for it. He then debriefed his plan.

"Now, Donut will stay on the sideline and if we're cornered Donut will throw a grenade for each one of you."

"Now sticky or frag."

"Frag me." said Rogers.

"Me too." said Simmons

"Surprise me."

"Hey Sarge do you think we should call in for more troops?" asked Donut.

"Ah what the in command" Just as Sarge called on the radio there was an echo of his wander off and Rodgers followed him.

"What is it Simmons?"

"It just that echo seems like it's coming from over here." Rogers listen closely and Simmons was right. He also heard Vic's voice at the monitor.

Back with the blues, Vulcan had just finished looking through out the base. She found a couple of bedrooms and nothing interesting just Sarges room which was covered in kill grif plans and his wallet which Vulcan greedily grabbed, the next one had two beds one side was clean while the other was a wreck, the last bedroom had girly posters on one side and the other posters of rock and punk bands. After she done she went topside to report her findings. "Hey Tex i found no-" Before she could finished Tex pointed her gun at Church.

"Don't move O'malley." Vulcan quickly shut off her radio and aimed her gun at Church.

"Kill him Tex I got 50:1 odds if his next death is caused by anyone but Caboose."

"Tucker this isn't the time to worry about money, and I can't believe you bet ten bucks."

"Tex I'm not O'malley."

"Bullshit."

"I have to agree with Mcbitch pants overs does make some sense." Tex quickly punched Vulcan in the head. "Ow." She heard Caboose say something odd.

"Sheila told me that O'malley was in blue leader." said Caboose. Now Church wasn't blue leader that honor goes to Flowers but he died.

"Thats you." said Tex.

"I was never promoted to leader that's must be alive."

"I highly doubt that." said Tex. "But this does seem like a -"

"A trap?" said Wyoming. Vulcan turned to see the man in white armor. She aimed her gun at him.

Baack with the reds, Roger was with his squad just outside the cave. He was on lookout for anything. "All clear for now. Ready to go."

"Well I am asshole." Rogers jumped down and saw Andy.

"I thought you were to busy helping the enemy." said Simmons.

"Ah they didn't need me anymore. Apparently that revived guy learned enough alien to get by."

"What was that deal they're talking about when I was drugged?"

"Grif I'm proud of you. Admitting you have a problem is the first only someone else can come clean."

"Shut up Donut." yelled Rogers.

"So long story short the new alien is here to find the old one and revived the blue guy to help him and now he's all weird."

"The alien revived him?"

"They don't treat life and death the same way."

"We don't have time for this, let's go." said Sarge. The group quickly went topside. Once they got out of the cave Rodgers could see blues were in trouble, the bounty hunter guy was holding them at gunpoint.

"Should we help them?" asked Rogers.

"Why would we do that."

"You know. The enemy of my enemy is my friend."

"Or we can just take Red base ba-" The tank then began to drive towards the "Blue base it is." The group then began to run away.

Back with the blues

Vulcan kept her gun aimed at Wyoming head. She didn't bother to listen to him speak all she could do was aim her gun and was ready to shoot and the tank appeared. "Knock knock Church." Then everything went dark and next thing she knew Wyoming was in front of her laughing, Vulcan's nose was bleeding and Tex was getting knocked out and Wyoming was getting stabbed by Tucker. She took off her helmet and let the blood drip. She was confused and her head was in massive pain, then suddenly Church grabbed her by the arm. Everything became suddenly clear again.

"What happened?" asked Vulcan wiping of the blood from her noise.

"Wyoming was looping us through time. It was pretty normal when ever he failed he'd start over and you would have a massive nosebleed."

"Wait what!?" said Church. "How many times did we loop?"

"Who know's. Doesn't matter now."

"It does matter, I got stuck in a loop and every time I came back I left a bunch of copies." As Church finished his statement they turned around a corner and saw a squad of Wyomings. She then ran dropping her gun. They began to run behind a rock where Tex was at. Vulcan was still bleeding but her headache had passed. Tucker had run off towards to destroy the tank, Vulcan wander to find her gun but she saw a lone Wyoming she picked up a large rock and bashed his head, picked up his gun and fired at another Wyoming. She saw the tank drive towards Caboose but lucky Tucker saved him. She couldn't help but smile and shoot at another Wyoming.

Back with the reds

Rodgers was standing on a ledge watching the battle ensue. "You know what the best part of this. The blues will be finally gone and we get to sit on the side lines."

"That's it we're going out there." said Sarge. "Load up." Rogers loaded his smg jumped on the hood. They came racing down and flew in the air for a sec before crashing on a couple of Wyomings. Rogers was sent flying and landed on another Wyoming breaking his fall and the other guy's neck. He got up and put a round in one of the Wyoming he then ran over and pistol whipped another Wyoming that was about to shoot Vulcan.

"Hey V, long time no see."

"Ya Rogers. Duck." a lone rocket passed his head. "So how is everything?"

"You know being red. If you don't mind me asking why are there a dozens Wyomings."

"Oh time travel and that shit. Looks like the reds cleared out a bunch of Wyoming better go regroup."

"Take care." After he was ten feet away his spoke quietly. "I like you."

"What?"

"Nothing." Rogers said running away. He then turned on his radio. "Where are you guys? I want to know so I can destroy the two groups and reign king with my queen of ice. Muma hahahahahah." said Rodgers/O'Malley. He dropped down and Vulcan carried him to the Reds, Sarge took him and she ran away, he got up and Grif began to talk weird.

"Vulcan turn on your radio." yelled Church,

"Alright." the second she turned it on, O'malley jumped to her. "You know what Church I shall poison all the meal in the universe and be a evil queen. Hahaha" said Vulcan/O'Malley. The Ai then jumped to Caboose. She collapsed and Rogers helped her up and ran back to the ship. When he got there Sarge had already planted the bomb.

"So whats next?"

"Kill the universe." Donut said.

"Crap." Donut then began to ramble on but lucky Tex showed up and knocked him the fuck out. Then Sarge and Grif, the Reds and Blues watched as Church was taken by the AI but he didn't turn evil. Tex punched him and O'malley was in control she ran to the ship and took off. Rogers and Vulcan held their breath as they watched it explode. Vulcan turned to Church who had sadness in his voice.

"Church are you alright?" Vulcan asked with pity.

"No! My girlfriend is dead now-"Vulcan quickly hugged him and whispered.

"I'm sorry."

"Let's go home." The blue team began to walk away but Vulcan could hear Sarges taunts. She listened as Church cried, when she got home she went inside.

Back at Red base

Sarge was building a ATV and Rogers was handing him pieces. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"You think things will ever get back to normal?"

"Who knows, by the way do you want to pitch a name?"

"What about Mongoose?"

"I like has a nice ring to it." Smiled Sarge. "Hey Simmons take a gander at what Rogers and I built." Everyone came came by and looked at the ATV. No one spoke, they just kept silent. There was one thing they all knew. There would be a lot more adventures to come and Rogers was ready.


	14. Chapter 14

**Movie theaters**

Vulcan was walking into the theater when a box of candy dropped out of her purse. Suddenly a usher came up to her. "Ma'am please empty your purse." sighed Rogers.

"Um ok. Oops." Vulcan dropped her purse. She reached down and pulled out a burrito from her shoe and threw it at his face. "You'll never take me alive." Vulcan yelled as she ran down the hall and jumped through the window and ran outside. Rogers wiped the beans off his face and sighed again.

"Let this be a warning for you. Don't smuggle candy into a theatre."

"Who are you talking to?" asked Sarge.

"The audience?"

"Get back to work."

 **That one didn't make any sense and I'm sorry but the burrito in the shoe joke was something in my life. So my dad made jokes about duct taping candy to us and said to my sister to put a burrito in her shoe. She was not happy and was pissy all day even when he told her it was just a joke.**


	15. Chapter 15

"Hey, this is the season our thoughts turn to our family." said Rogers.

"And that's why we from Red vs Blue want to wish you a very merry chr-" Suddenly Doc came by.

"Hold it right there."

"Come on dude. This is the last thing for today before I get to go home." whinned Rogers

"Hey you should know that holidays can be the most offense days of the year."

"Offense? Holidays are awesome! You get Christmas presents and candy canes."

"But think how exclusive that is to people who don't celebrate christmas and to people who use canes!"

"Hm, I never looked at that way."

"Let me guess you want us to say happy holidays." Rogers said rolling his eyes.

"I still don't know, holidays implies holy and some people aren't religious at all and happy seem a little mean especially to people who suffer from depression."

"I gue-"

"You finish that sentence and I'm not afraid to punch out robocop."

"Rogers! That is offensive to cyborgs and cops." Rogers was getting annoyed but he was relieved when he saw Sarge. If there was one person who didn't care about seeming a little offensive it was Sarge.

"What are you three yapping about?"

"That plum pudding is saying we can't do the Christmas message."

"What kind of nonsense is this! This is our show and we can say whatever we want. So merry chr-" Before Sarge could finish a flash of light appeared and Sarge was gone.

"You bastards! You took Sarge."

"That's offensive-"

"No I will avenge Sarge. Merry Christmas Mother." A second flash appeared and next thing Rogers knew was that he was in a pillow padded room hover in mid air. "Fuckers."


	16. Chapter 16

Hello I did this a few weeks ago as a promotional ad for my story with Time the Author of a great story Red vs Blue: Hawk

Fighter: Hello viewers I'm Fighter and with me is my Co-host Time

Time:Hi, and we are here to talk about Fighter's story

Hawk: Sell out

Time: Shut up, no one is getting paid for this

Vulcan: Your author forced you here too?

Fighter: Not my fault you have debt

Vulcan: You created me so your fault too

Fighter: *Sigh* This is going to be along day

Hawk: Does your author give you a tragic back story too? I'm pretty sure that's a form of abuse

Vulcan: I know right. He had my mom die when I was ten and my dad making me live a military lifestyle almost my whole life. I had to run twenty laps when my dad found out I got an F

Fighter: Hey!

Time: Enough of that you two. We'll be asking the questions now.

Hawk: We are so prisoners

Time: You want to ask the first question or should I?

Fighter: You can go first

Hawk: My first question is for Vulcan

Vulcan: Shoot

Time: Do you see yourself getting with to together with Rogers anytime soon?

Hawk: Really?

Time: Yes

Vulcan: Maybe(Picture that with a school girl smile)

Fighter: Hey no big reveals. What about you birdy, you going to kiss Wash

Hawk:Who

Time:Playing hard to get

Hawk: No, I really mean who.

Fighter: This one's for Time. Who is Hawk based offf of? And what inspired you to write your fanfic?

Time: Well to tell you the truth no one. One day I was watching Red Vs Blue I was like..."I really like that sniper rifle in halo" Then later I was like "I really like that sniper rifle in halo" Then by the Time the episode ended I was like "I should write a person that just uses the sniper rifle." So that night I went and typed the whole thing up. I thought once it was up I update once and awhile, but then I just start up updating everyday and kind snowballed.

Time: Same question back at you

Fighter: Vulcan has my anger and Rogers is what I want to be

Vulcan: Sure as hell I got your anger

Fighter: As my story it was original just so I can get prepared for the next episode(I start Just before season 13 just to be clear) and Boom I made Retelling of Red vs Blue


End file.
